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Our agony uncle, Max Flannel, answers your workplace questions.
本雜志的“知心大叔”欄目作家麥克斯·弗蘭內回答您的職場問題。
"Dear Max, I am an extremely nervous public speaker and I was told long ago that it can help to imagine that my audience is naked.
"親愛的麥克斯，我一做公共演講就超級緊張，很久以前就有人告訴我，想象觀眾是裸體的會很有幫助。
I casually mentioned this piece of advice to another member of staff the other day and have now been reported to HR for inappropriate behaviour.
前幾天，我隨口向另一位員工說起了這條建議，現在有人向人力資源部舉報我行為不當。
What should I do?"
我該怎么辦？"
Hmmm.
嗯。
I doubt you are in breach of any rules unless you have told specific individuals that you are thinking about what they look like without clothes on.
我覺得你沒有違反任何規則，除非你向某個特定的人說，你正在想象他們不穿衣服的樣子。
But it’s probably wise not to repeat this piece of advice to anyone else.
但明智的做法可能是不要向其他任何人再說起這條建議了。
That’s not just because it sounds so dodgy.
不僅僅是因為這條建議聽起來很不正經。
In my experience it’s also a hopeless tip: you will almost certainly end up feeling even more nauseous.
以我的經驗，這個建議完全沒用：（想象觀眾的裸體之后）你幾乎肯定會感覺更惡心。
It is better, and safer, to imagine people wearing many more clothes and ideally a balaclava, too.
不如想象人們穿著很多衣服，最好還戴著臉基尼，這個辦法更好，也更安全。
"My new team-mates try hard to establish an atmosphere of psychological safety.
"我的新隊友們努力營造一種心理安全的氛圍。
I genuinely agree with this aim, but one of our rules is that people can only talk in meetings if they are holding a wooden gourd.
我真誠地同意這一目標，但我們的一條規矩是，只有手持木葫蘆的人才能在會議上發言。
Whenever I am handed this ridiculous thing, I start laughing uncontrollably.
每當有人遞給我這個搞笑的東西時，我都會控制不住地大笑起來。
Do you have any advice?"
你有什么建議嗎？"
If your team are truly believers in psychological safety, then you should be able to tell them that gourd-handling is not what you came into the workplace to do.
如果你的團隊真的相信心理安全，那么你應該能夠直接告訴他們，你是來上班的，不是來拿葫蘆的。
Perhaps you could suggest another way of giving the floor to people without interruption?
或許你可以提出另一種讓人們發言而且不被打斷的方法？
Is there another object that you might find less absurd?
有沒有什么你可能覺得不那么搞笑的東西？
If it is too difficult to have an honest conversation with them, then say, “Oh gourd, not this again,” when it comes your way and before you begin sniggering.
如果很難與他們進行坦誠的交談，那么當有人又要把葫蘆遞給你時，在你開始笑出來之前，就說：“哦，我的葫蘆，別再遞給我了?！?/p>
With luck your colleagues will just think you have a lame sense of humour.
如果你夠幸運，你的同事只會以為你的笑話太冷。
"I am a repressed older man with no real capacity to feel.
"我是一個受壓抑的老人，沒有什么真正的感覺能力。
This barren emotional landscape has served me well for years.
多年來，這種貧瘠的情感世界一直挺適合我。
Now everyone around me keeps talking about the importance of kindness and authenticity, and I don’t understand what the hell is going on.
現在我身邊的每個人都在談論善良和真誠的重要性，我不明白這到底是怎么回事。
Please help."
請幫幫我。"
It is true that the workplace has changed in recent years: empathy and compassion have become part of the lexicon of the modern workplace.
近年來，職場的確發生了變化：共情和同情心已成為現代職場詞匯的一部分。
But I want you to know that you are not alone; very many people share your lack of pain.
但我想讓你知道，并非只有你這樣想，很多人都和你一樣無法感受痛苦。
There is no stigma attached to being unable to interrogate your own feelings or to trundling along in a state of emotional vacuity; it’s a condition also known as being male.
不能審問自己的感受，或者在情感空虛的狀態下仍艱難前行并不是什么恥辱，這種情況也被稱為“男人”。
It’s OK to feel invulnerable.
感覺不到脆弱是完全可以的。
"During the pandemic I decided to move to Montana in order to fulfil my dreams and work remotely from a ranch I bought on credit.
"在大流行期間，我決定搬到蒙大拿州，以實現我的夢想，并在我貸款買來的牧場上遠程工作。
My company is now requiring people to come into the office two days a week.
我的公司現在要求我們一周來辦公室兩天。
Unfortunately, the office is in New York and my commute takes about 12 hours each way if I’m lucky.
不幸的是，我的辦公室在紐約，運氣好的話，單程通勤時間大約是12個小時。
What should I do?"
我該怎么辦？"
The obvious answer is that you need to change either your job or your location.
顯而易見的答案是，你要么需要換工作，要么需要搬家。
But really you need to re-examine the way you take decisions.
但實際上，你需要的是重新審視你做決定的方式。
You are terrible at it.
你真的很不擅長做決定。
"My company has introduced hot-desking at our new post-pandemic office.
"我的公司在疫情后的新辦公室里引入了‘熱桌子’（輪用辦公桌）的做法。
This means I have been given a “hotbox” to carry my photos and the team gourd to whichever desk I will be working at that day.
這意味著我得到了一個‘熱盒子’，可以把我的照片和團隊的葫蘆放在里面，然后在哪張桌子上辦公，就把熱盒子搬到哪里。
Each morning I take my hotbox out of my locker and am struck afresh by the futility of life.
每天早晨，我從儲物柜里拿出我的熱盒子，然后又一次震驚于生活的徒勞。
Can you help?"
你能幫幫我嗎？"
This is a surprisingly common complaint from my correspondents.
令人驚訝的是，這是來信者們普遍的抱怨。
Hotboxes have to be small enough to carry: that means there is usually room only for a couple of personal possessions.
熱盒子必須足夠小才能便于攜帶：這意味著盒子里只夠裝少數幾件個人物品。
To be one of a crowd wandering around in search of a place to settle down, with your existence distilled down to a handful of mementoes and a cactus, is profoundly depressing.
作為四處漂泊、尋找安身之處的眾人之一，你的存在被濃縮為幾個紀念品和一株仙人掌，這是非常令人沮喪的。
It’s like an episode of “The Last of Us” with chinos.
就像是穿著棉布褲子版本的《最后生還者》。
My advice would be to ditch the hotbox altogether and sit at a bare desk.
我的建議是徹底扔掉熱盒子，坐在一張光禿禿的辦公桌前。
You will work just as well and suffer from much less angst.
你依然能好好工作，而且焦慮感會大大減少。
"Last month I got an unexpected promotion and went out with some friends to celebrate.
"上個月，我意外得到晉升，于是和幾個朋友一起出去慶祝。
The evening got a little out of hand and I woke in the morning to find that I had got a tattoo of my company logo.
那天晚上有點失控，早上醒來時發現我身上有一個公司logo的紋身。
I don’t expect you to be able to help, but I bitterly regret the decision and just wanted to tell someone."
我不指望你能幫我什么，但我對這個紋身的決定深感后悔，只是想找個人傾訴一下。"
I followed up with this letter-writer directly to find out a little more.
我直接和這位來信者進行了后續接觸，想了解更多情況。
If the company in question had a fashionable brand, a logo might at least be passed off as a cool consumer choice.
如果這家公司有一個很時尚的品牌，那么logo紋身至少可以作為一個很酷的消費者選擇而蒙混過去。
And with luck, the tattoo would be in a discreet place.
如果運氣好的話，紋身可能在一個很隱蔽的地方。
No dice.
但活路都被堵死了。
It turns out that my correspondent works for an auditing firm.
來信者在一家審計公司工作。
He has the letter “E” emblazoned on one eyelid, and the letter “Y” on the other.
他的一只眼皮上印著字母E，另一只眼皮上印著字母Y。
You can see how that might have seemed really clever at the time.
你可以想象這在當時看起來是多么機智詼諧。
I cannot help this poor wretch but I’ll be back with more of your workplace dilemmas as soon as I have made them up.
我幫不了這個可憐的家伙，但我會和你們分享更多的職場困境，等我把故事編出來我就會再回來的。
