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Basic Rules for Cats
貓的基本行為準則
1. CHAIRS AND RUGS
1. 關于椅子和地毯
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.
如果要嘔吐，迅速跳到一把椅子上。
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
如果來不及跳到椅子上，就找一張手織東方地毯。
If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
如果沒有手織東方地毯，長絨地毯也湊合了。
2. DOORS
2. 關于門
Do not allow closed doors in any room.
所有房間的門都不能關著。
To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
出門的方法是，用后腿支起身體，用前爪不斷敲門。門開了以后就沒用了。
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. It is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
把戶門叫開后，就不當不正地站在門中間想事情，尤其是在冷天里、下雨下雪的時候或是鬧蚊蟲的季節。
3. GUESTS
3. 關于客人
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap.
迅速判斷出哪個客人最不喜歡貓，坐到他的腿上去。
For sitting on laps of rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
找那些衣服顏色與你的毛色反差大的客人的腿上坐或身上蹭，比如：白貓找穿著黑色毛料衣服的客人。
Foor the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
對那些聲稱：“我好喜歡小貓”的客人，要作冷漠的鄙視狀。用爪子去鉤她們的長統襪，或是在他們的腳踝上迅速咬一小口。
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
在餐桌上溜達時，一聽到責備聲，就做出一副吃驚而又無辜的樣子。這樣做傳遞出的信息是“這些人不在的時候你是讓我上餐桌的。”
4. WORK
4. 關于工作
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.
如果你的一個主人在做針線活或寫東西，而另一個沒事做，那么要和在做事的那個待在一起，我們管這種行為叫幫忙。相反，和沒事做的那個在一起叫搗亂。
5. HAMPERING
5. 搗亂
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be soon and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
視察做飯的時候，坐在做飯人的左腳后跟處。在那兒你不易被發現，因此而被踩到，然后被抱起來撫慰。
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded.
對于正在看書的人，爬到他的下巴處，剛好擋在他的眼睛和書之間。如果他看的是報紙，用爪子抓，直到把它抓踩。
