秋天的懷念

Fond Memories of Autumn

史鐵生

Shi Tiesheng

雙腿癱瘓后，我的脾氣變得暴怒無常。望著天上北歸的雁陣，我會突然把面前的玻璃砸碎；聽著聽著李谷一甜美的歌聲，我會猛的把手邊的東西摔向四周的墻壁。母親就悄悄地躲出去，在我看不見的地方偷偷地聽著我的動靜。當(dāng)一切恢復(fù)沉寂，她又悄悄地進來，眼邊紅紅的，看著我。

When my legs were first paralyzed, my temper became terrible. Looking at the lines of wild geese flying back north, I would suddenly smash the window pane in front of me. Listening to the sweet songs sung by the famous singer Li Guyi, I would throw whatever happened to be on hand at the wall. On these occasions Mother would steal out quietly, watching me from a place where I could not see her. When I calmed down, she would come back softly and gaze at me with sad eyes.

“聽說北海的花兒都開了，我推著你去走走。”她總是這么說。母親喜歡花，可自從我的腿癱瘓后，她侍弄的那些花都死了。

“They say that the flowers in Beihai Park are in bloom now. Let me wheel you there,” she used to say. Mother loved flowers dearly, but ever since my legs became paralyzed, all her flowers had died.

“不，我不去！”我狠命地捶打這兩條可恨的腿，喊著，“我活著有什么勁！”母親撲過來抓住我的手，忍住哭聲說：“咱娘兒倆在一塊兒，好好兒活，好好兒活……”

“No, I won’t go!” I shouted, while beating my cursed legs as hard as I could. “What am I still living for?” Mother would then rush up to me, holding my hands in hers and saying between subdued sobs, “The two of us should live together happily, happily…”

可我卻一直都不知道，她的病已經(jīng)到了那步田地。后來妹妹告訴我，她常常肝疼得整宿翻來覆去地睡不了覺。

Although I did not know it, she had been seriously ill herself all the time. It was my younger sister who told me later that mother had often been kept awake the whole night with pains in the liver.

那天我又獨自坐在屋里，看著窗外的樹葉唰唰啦啦地飄落。母親進來了，擋住窗前：“北海的菊花開了，我推著你去看看吧。”她憔悴的臉上現(xiàn)出央求般的神色。“什么時候？”“你要是愿意，就明天？”她說。我的回答已經(jīng)讓她喜出望外了。“好吧，就明天。”我說。她高興得一會兒坐下，一會站起：“那就趕緊準(zhǔn)備準(zhǔn)備。”“哎呀，煩不煩？幾步路，有什么好準(zhǔn)備的！”她也笑了，坐在我身邊，絮絮叨叨地說著：“看完菊花，咱們就去‘仿膳’，你小時候最愛吃那兒的豌豆黃兒。還記得那回我?guī)闳ケ焙幔磕闫f那楊樹花是毛毛蟲，跑著，一腳踩扁一個……”她忽然不說了。對于“跑”和“踩”一類的字眼兒，她比我還敏感。她又悄悄地出去了。

One day I was alone in the room, watching the rustling fall of autumn leaves through the window when Mother came in. She stood between me and the window and said, “The chrysanthemums in Beihai are blossoming. Do let me take you there for a visit.” Her sad eyes in her haggard face silently implored me. “When?” I asked.“Tomorrow, if it suits you,” she replied, pleasantly surprised at my interest.“Okay, tomorrow then,” I agreed. She was so delighted that she did not know whether to sit or to stand.“Let’s get ready right now,” she suggested. “Oh, what a bore! Do we need to get ready for a park just a few steps away?”I said. She burst out laughing herself, sat down beside me and murmured, “After we’ve seen the chrysanthemums, we’ll dine at Fang Shan Restaurant. You used to love their puree of peas best when you were a little boy. Still remember our last tour to Beihai? You insisted that the poplar flowers be worms and ran to stamp on them one by one…” Here she broke off abruptly, more sensitive to words like “run” than I ever was. She went out again gently.

她出去了，就再也沒有回來。

Yes, she went out, never to come back.

鄰居們把她抬上車時，她還在大口大口地吐著鮮血。我沒想到她已經(jīng)病成那樣。看著三輪車遠去，她絕沒有想到那竟是永遠的訣別。

When the neighbors carried her onto the tricycle flatcart, she was still vomiting mouthfuls of blood. I had never thought she could have been so seriously ill. Watching the three-wheeler go, I had not expected it would be her departure to eternity.

鄰居的小伙子背著我去看她的時候，她正艱難地呼吸著，像她那一生艱難的生活。別人告訴我，她昏迷前的最后一句話是：“我那個有病的兒子和我那個還未成年的女兒……”

The young man next door carried me on his back to the hospital to see her. She was gasping her last, in just the same way as she had lived her entire hard life. I was told later that her last words before passing away were: “I have an invalid son and an unmarried daughter…”

又是秋天，妹妹推我去北海看了菊花。黃色的花淡雅，白色的花高潔，紫紅色的花熱烈而深沉，潑潑灑灑，秋風(fēng)中正開得爛漫。我懂得母親沒有說完的話。妹妹也懂，我倆在一塊兒，要好好兒活……

It was another autumn when my sister wheeled me to Beihai park to see the chrysanthemums. The yellow ones were simple and elegant; the white ones, pure and noble; and the purple ones, warm and deep; all were in full bloom, dancing in the autumn breeze. I came to know what mother hadn’t had time to finish, and so did my sister. We should live together happily…

(喬萍、瞿淑蓉、宋洪瑋 編著)

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