評論
打印
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "Recreational activities". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娛樂活動多種多樣。 2.娛樂活動可以使人們受益，也可能帶來危害。 3.作為大學生，我認為……
讀者原文
Everyone needs to do some recreational activities to relax after one day's work or study. And there are many recreational activities available in today's society. For example, sports fans may choose to play basketball or football. Or one may have a break by watching TV or listening to music.
Among the large number of creational activities, some are carefully designed and can be beneficial to us. For example, playing basketball can help you get stronger and healthier. It can also enrich friendship if you play together with your classmates. However, some activities may do us bad, especially to the young people who are curious about everything but can't control themselves. Computer game is one of such activities. Many college students love playing computer games today and they play it every day. Some students even develop addictions and they play truancy or stay up late in the night to play it. This harms their study and their health. In my class, there are students who fail exams because they play too much computer games.
As a college student, I think we should balance between work and rest. Recreation is very importance in our life. But study is the first mission of students. If we want to play, we need to know clearly which activity is good and which is bad. And we should have self-control so that we won't get addicted to some bad activities blindly.
修改后的文章
Everyone needs some recreational activities to help them relax after a day's work or study. And there are many recreational activities available to us in today's society. For example, sports fans may choose to play basketball or football. Or one may take a break by watching TV or listening to music.
Among the large number of recreational activities, some are carefully designed and can be beneficial to us. For example, playing basketball can help us get stronger and healthier. It can also enrich friendships while we play together with our teammates. However, some activities may cause harm, especially to young people who are curious about everything but are unable to control themselves.
Playing computer games is one such activity. Many college students play them every day. Some students even develop addictions and skip school or stay up late into the night to play them. This can affect their study and health. In my class, there are students who fail exams because they spend too much of their study time playing computer games.
As college students, we should strike a balance between work and rest. Recreation is of great importance to our life, but study is our primary task. If we want to play, we need to know clearly which activities are good and which are bad. At the same time, we should exercise self-control so that we won't get addicted to some bad activities.
夏老師的點評
這篇作文寫得不錯，內容充實，觀點明確，說理清楚，文字亦比較連貫。 總的來說，語言基本功也是比較好的，大的句子架構沒有問題。不足的是該生對英語的數的概念不很敏感，多處不一致。另外，個別習語用得不對，有些地方詞不達意。
1. 第二段第二句中的playing basketball can help you get stronger and healthier建議改為playing basketball can help us get stronger and healthier。由于前一句some are carefully designed and can be beneficial to us中已經用了us，接下來也要用us，前后一致，可以增加文章的連貫性。
2. 第二段第三句It can also enrich friendship if you play together with your classmates應改為It can also enrich friendships while we play together with our teammates。由于前面的句子用了第一人稱代詞us，所以后面的句子應該將第二人稱代詞you改為第一人稱us才能夠保持文章的連貫性。
3. 第二段第四句中的some activities may do us bad應改為some activities may do us harm。Do sb. good 的反面是 do sb. harm，而不是do sb. bad。例如：
I think a trip to the beach would do us all a lot of good.
Eating sweets occasionally doesn't do children any harm.
Strenuous exercise can often do more harm than good.
I don't think you should punish them for this – it would probably do more harm than good.
4. 第二段第六句中Many college students love playing computer games today and they play it every day 應改為Many college students love playing computer games today and they play them every day。前半句games是復數了，后半句代詞當然也應用復數。同樣的道理，本段接下去一句中的it也應改為them。
5. 第二段最后一句In may class, there are students who fail exams because they play too much computer games應改為In my class, there are students who fail exams because they spend too much of their study time playing computer games。 因為games 是復數，用much修飾不合適。改為they spend too much of their study time playing computer games就沒有這個問題了。
6. 第三段第一句As a college student, I think we should balance between work and rest. 建議改為As college students, we should strike a balance between work and rest。balance between work and rest應改為balance work and rest，因為balance是及物動詞，后面直接接賓語。名詞balance后才接between。本句也可以改為strike a balance between work and rest。
7. 第三段第二、三句Recreation is very importance in our life. But study is the first mission of students可以并成一句，改為 Recreation is of great importance to our life, but study is our primary task。原第二句中importance為名詞，應改為形容詞important，或改用短語of great importance。原第三句中the first mission(第一個使命)也不確切，改為our primary task(我們的主要任務)，比較確當。
8. 第三段最后一句中we should have self-control建議改為we should exercise self-control，have表示一個狀態， exercise是一個動作，表示我們的主動性，意思上更好一些。
adv. 偶爾地
