聲音簡介：最近《三十而已》不知道你們追了沒有。陳嶼這個角色或許讓很多男生有共鳴，也聽到很多女生吐槽說自己的另一半就是這樣的性格。陳嶼明明是個很溫暖的人，他會偷偷幫曉芹裝嬰兒車，生日會大費(fèi)周折訂網(wǎng)紅餐廳，沒了孩子偷偷掉眼淚等等，卻總是很少表述出來以獲取別人的理解。所以就像他的名字一樣，活得像座孤島。

【節(jié)目的中英文全文可以關(guān)注微信公眾號Zoey八點(diǎn)英語 回復(fù) 三十而已 獲取】

【英文參考】

He has an unhealthy attachment style due to his past trauma in childhood.

He was neglected by his parents as his mother only focused on Chen Yu’s younger brother.

Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone says, children who always failed to meet their needs will form an avoidant attachment style. They develop a sense of shame, thinking, “I am not worth paying attention to.” Then they disconnect from their needs in an effort to avoid feeling this shame.

在陳嶼小的時候，媽媽似乎只關(guān)注他的弟弟，連雞蛋被弟弟砸了，自己委屈被罵，也只能默默承受。心理學(xué)家博主Dr. Lisa Firestone說，當(dāng)人在童年的時候經(jīng)常感覺自己的需求沒有被關(guān)注和滿足，就可能形成逃避型的依戀模式。

They may learn that the best way to deal with their frustration at not having their needs met is to act like they don’t have any.

為了回避感覺到這種被拒的“Shame”羞恥、尷尬，他們可能會裝作自己沒有任何需求，這樣就不會體會到任何的失落感。

They want to be in a relationship, but they resist experiencing or showing any need for emotional closeness. They may have a tendency to seek out isolation, emotionally distancing themselves from their partner. They can appear to be more focused on themselves and to value their priorities above their partner’s. They can seem cool, often showing annoyance when their partner is expressing feelings or needs, believing their partner is being “childish” or “dramatic.”

他們想在一段關(guān)系里，卻不想展示出自己的親密性的真實(shí)需求。經(jīng)常會想要獨(dú)處、關(guān)注自己的需求要高于另一半的需求、當(dāng)伴侶表達(dá)出了他們的感受和需求，因?yàn)楣睬槟芰Φ停麄兛赡苡X得對方太幼稚、太”作”。

就像曉芹懷孕撒嬌說想喝酸梅湯，陳嶼就只說了句”別鬧了。”

But actually they’re just scared of being hurt and feeling shameful. This way, they never let anybody hurt them — even though they end up alone anyway.

其實(shí)他們僅僅是害怕受傷、尷尬。這種逃避型的防御機(jī)制可能不會讓任何人傷害自己，卻也很難讓別人真正地走進(jìn)自己。

So, how to overcome an insecure avoidant attachment style?

Berit Brogaard says on Psychology Today that first of all, you need to find out who you can trust and who you cannot trust.

怎么樣才能克服這種逃避型依戀模式呢？Dr. Berit Brogaard在Psychology Today的博文里寫道，首先要找出那些你可以信任的人。

Maybe you can make a list of your deepest secrets, listing the most unimportant secrets first, which are those people don’t know about but would not destroy your reputation. Start by sharing these unimportant or less important secrets with people you think you can potentially trust. That way, you can find out whether you can actually trust them.

比如說可以列一堆自己的秘密，從無關(guān)緊要的秘密開始寫起。就是那些不影響你個人聲譽(yù)的、不那么重要的秘密。然后有機(jī)會的時候和你覺得可以信任的人分享。這個步驟就已經(jīng)很需要勇氣了，但可以讓別人了解自己更多、讓彼此靠近。

And secondly, confront people by speaking up immediately (not 10 days later). Don’t ever change yourself for the sake of pleasing another person. Tell people what you like and don’t like. It’s OK to feel the shame.

第二點(diǎn)，直面問題和人，在當(dāng)下做溝通，而不是等個十來二十天或者別人不提起的話永遠(yuǎn)不說。

就像《How to Stop Feeling Like Shit》《如何停止不開心》中作者Andrea Owen就分享過“逃避“這一個壞習(xí)慣是如何讓你不開心的。

She says that you may have compiled your list: meditation, yoga, follow this person on Instagram, and read all the books. But here’s what I know to be true: that checklist won’t make you happy and joyful. The "answer" — the key to your happiness — lies in connecting the dots from your past to your current behavior and shining the light on things that hurt. It’s about facing the obstacles, working through and processing them, and loving yourself along the way.

你可能會跟著心靈雞湯博主看一堆書、做瑜伽、冥想等等等等，可做完了發(fā)現(xiàn)還是不開心。因?yàn)槿绻銢]有直面讓你受傷的問題，只是選擇逃避，它永遠(yuǎn)不會被解決。

像陳嶼，其實(shí)他就算在挽留曉芹的階段，也只是自己暴吃零食放松，都沒有直面問題去做溝通，反倒是他弟弟找曉芹出來聊天幫他哥解釋清楚了，不然估計(jì)也沒有后續(xù)了。

當(dāng)然了，另一方面曉芹也有她的問題，她之前始終沒有耐心聽陳嶼解釋，像衣服為什么要分開洗那么小的疑問也都憋著很久不過問，最后只剩下劈頭蓋臉的發(fā)泄。

So if you’re having an avoidant partner, try to practice patience when he or she pushes you away. Communicate with words, not tantrums. Ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want.

If you chase people who need space, they will likely run even faster or turn and fight. When people with avoidant personality withdraw, let them.

所以如果你遇到了有逃避型依戀模式的人，在ta推開你的時候多給ta一些耐心。用語言而不是情緒做溝通。當(dāng)對方需要空間，就給ta空間，不要逼對方立馬做出回應(yīng)，否則對方只會可能跑得更快。

Once they realize that they are safe and intimacy will not cause them the same pain they experienced as a child, a healthier relationship may be reaffirmed through time.

當(dāng)ta感覺到安全，并且知道這份親密不會像比如童年時期的經(jīng)歷那樣帶給ta痛苦，一段更健康的關(guān)系或許就能慢慢地形成了。

看陳嶼和曉芹最后復(fù)合了，一方面為他們開心，另一方面也希望深愛著彼此的他們能找到適合他們的溝通模式。

你有沒有類似的經(jīng)歷和感觸呢？留言和我們分享吧。

更多精彩內(nèi)容，請關(guān)注微信公眾號：Zoey八點(diǎn)英語