The death of the old me
永別了，昨日之我

I began the day just like I did every other year; constantly complaining while getting dressed. You see, every New year's day for years, we would go out to eat breakfast at a nice restaurant with my wife's family. We never went to church, only out to eat. I never wanted to go, so I would never feel good or if necessary, even fake an illness. Some years it actually worked.
這天的開始與我過去每一年的這一天沒什么兩樣——我一邊穿衣服，一邊不斷地發(fā)著牢騷。多少年來，每年的新年第一天，我們一家都會(huì)和妻子的娘家人一起去一家不錯(cuò)的餐廳吃早餐。我們從來沒在這天去過教堂，只是出去吃個(gè)飯。我從來都是不想去的，所以一到這天我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)感到良好，甚至，如果必要的話，還會(huì)佯裝生病。這一招確實(shí)奏效了幾年。
This year, we went to Perkins. After ordering, I began to get sick, and started complaining to my wife again. She said, "Shut up, you pull that stunt every year. But, this year it isn't going to work. You're not leaving!" In fact, I had done it so much, that I wasn't even sure myself. Although, I was dizzy and felt like visiting the rest room, I hung in there. We ate; then went home.
今年，我們?nèi)チ伺两鹚共蛷d。點(diǎn)餐后，我就開始感到身體不適，并開始再次向我的妻子發(fā)牢騷。她說：“閉嘴，你每年都玩這套，今年沒用了，你甭想離開！”實(shí)際上，我老是這么做，以至于連我自己都不確認(rèn)自己是不是真的生病了。雖然我的確頭暈?zāi)垦＃胝覀€(gè)休息室待會(huì)兒，但我還是堅(jiān)持了下來。我們用完餐，然后回家。
When we got home, I felt much better. I promised my wife that I would spend the day with her, because I rarely did. After an hour or two, I became increasingly bored and started thinking about the week. I was a fairly successful, workaholic sales rep. for a very large international food company.
當(dāng)我們回到家時(shí)，我感覺好多了。我答應(yīng)妻子，這一天我會(huì)和她一起度過，以補(bǔ)償我平時(shí)很少陪她。一兩個(gè)小時(shí)后，我感到越來越無聊，開始思考這一周的安排。我是一個(gè)相當(dāng)成功的、工作狂式的銷售代表，服務(wù)于一家規(guī)模非常大的國(guó)際食品企業(yè)。
I was addicted to stress, money, prestige, lifestyle and social status. My salary was straight commission based on sales. I was very similar to a compulsive gambler. Only, I couldn't lose. It was legal, honest, and best of all very rewarding; and besides, we had bills to pay! I had a lot of bookwork to do. So, I went to get some.
我沉迷于壓力、金錢、威望、生活方式和社會(huì)地位。我的薪水采用基于銷售業(yè)績(jī)的純傭金制。我與一個(gè)嗜賭如命的賭徒幾乎一模一樣。 唯一的區(qū)別是，我不能輸。我的工作是合法的、誠(chéng)實(shí)的，且報(bào)酬頗豐。而且，我還要養(yǎng)家糊口。這時(shí)，我還有很多閱讀工作沒有完成，所以去忙了一會(huì)兒。

Upon returning my wife said, "No you don't mister, you promised."; I replied something to the effect, "I'll sit here on the couch, and work on the piano bench. That way, I can get some work done while being with you." She didn't bother arguing because she knew me.
回來后，妻子對(duì)我說：“不是吧，這位先生，你可答應(yīng)過陪我的?！蔽掖笾率沁@樣回答的：“我會(huì)坐在沙發(fā)上，用鋼琴凳當(dāng)辦公桌工作。這樣，我就可以一邊陪你，一邊完成些工作?！彼龥]有和我爭(zhēng)辯，因?yàn)樗私馕摇?br />Then suddenly out of the blue, wham it hit me. I fell off the couch onto the floor wallowing in paper...I was really sick now! I tried to get up, but kept falling. I was trying to get to the hallway where I had two walls to hold me up. But, I couldn't. I kept laughing telling my wife I didn't know what was happening. After a visit to the bathroom, we headed for the emergency room. All of the way there I had a towel over my head because I couldn't tolerate the sunlight.
突然間，我感到身體一沉，從沙發(fā)上摔了下來，倒在文件堆里......這回我真的病倒了！我試圖站起身來，但每次嘗試的結(jié)局都是再次摔倒在地。我設(shè)法到達(dá)走廊，因?yàn)樵谀抢镂铱梢苑鲋鴥啥聣φ酒饋?。但，我還是沒有成功。我不停地笑著，以這樣的方式告訴妻子，我其實(shí)不知道這是怎么回事。我去了趟洗手間后，我們就直接去醫(yī)院的急診室了。一路上，我的頭上一直敷著毛巾，因?yàn)槲沂懿涣岁?yáng)光照射。
I could no longer see or walk. I was carried to the emergency room where I was examined. I was told that I had an inner ear infection. "To go home and get to bed and stay there." That, "it would take at least a week to get well" and that "I would get worse before I got better." (At least, he was right about the last part!!)
此時(shí)，我兩眼漆黑，無法行走。我被帶入急診室，在那里做了檢查。有人告訴我，我患了內(nèi)耳炎——“回家睡一覺，然后臥床靜養(yǎng)?！薄爸辽僖粋€(gè)星期，病情才能好轉(zhuǎn)”“病情好轉(zhuǎn)前，情況還會(huì)變得更糟?！保ㄖ辽?，最后這句話他說對(duì)了！?。?br />After a week of living hell, doing exactly as I was told, I woke up in a different hospital, where I was informed that, "I had experienced a severe base of the brain stroke; and should have come in much sooner! On a scale of one to ten, my stroke was an eleven."
在經(jīng)歷了一個(gè)星期的人間煉獄之后（那位醫(yī)生的話我全部照做了），我醒來時(shí)已在另一家醫(yī)院。然后，我被告知，我已過了嚴(yán)重的腦中風(fēng)基礎(chǔ)階段，我本應(yīng)早點(diǎn)兒來他們這的！如果腦中風(fēng)分為1-10級(jí)的話，我已經(jīng)是第11級(jí)了。
Later I heard a doctor tell a nurse that my brain was swelled. So, "tomorrow they may have to drill holes in my head to relieve the pressure to reduce additional brain damage!"
后來，我聽到一位醫(yī)生告訴一位護(hù)士，我已有腦腫脹癥狀，所以，明天他們可能不得不在我頭上鉆洞，以降低腦壓，從而降低外加的腦損傷風(fēng)險(xiǎn)！
Then I heard the nurse ask, "why they were waiting until tomorrow?" The reply was: "He is in critical condition and needs to stabilize. He may not even live through the night."
然后，我聽到護(hù)士問道：“為什么要等到明天？”醫(yī)生回答：“他情況危急，需要穩(wěn)定下來。他甚至可能熬不過今晚?！?br />That got my attention! A few weeks later, another doctor told me that Richard Nixon died the same week with a stoke, but it was like comparing a peanut to an elephant. He was the peanut. But, I was the one that lived. "I was very lucky to be alive!" I didn't feel lucky! In fact, I was very bitter! Why me?
這引起了我的注意！幾個(gè)星期后，另一位醫(yī)生告訴我，前總統(tǒng)尼克松就在這個(gè)星期死于腦中風(fēng)，但我與他之間的差別就像花生和大象。他就像花生，而我活了下來?！拔一钪苄疫\(yùn)！”但，我并沒有感到幸運(yùn)！而且，其實(shí)我內(nèi)心很痛苦！為什么是我攤上這種事？
Years later while seeing Dr. Vincent, my umpteenth psych., still trying to get a respectable answer I asked him the same, simple question that I had been asking preachers and psychs. for years, "Why Me?" He just smiled and softly replied, Why not you? What makes you so special? Do you think that you're the only one with problems? We all have problems. It's our attitudes and choices in life that make the difference. You can continue to blame the first emergency room doctor and take it out on the world for what you have lost: Or, thank God for what you have left. You could be on dialysis or an iron lung, blind, deaf, mute, lost your sense of feel, taste or smell, or even be brain dead! "Not everyone is as lucky as you!!"
幾年后，當(dāng)我去見文森特醫(yī)生（我的第無數(shù)個(gè)心理醫(yī)生）時(shí)，我仍然試圖得到一個(gè)可以讓我欣然接受的答案——我向他提出了我在這些年里向我的牧師和其他心理醫(yī)生問了無數(shù)次的那個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單問題——“為什么是我攤上這種事？”他微笑著，輕聲回答說：“為什么不能是你？你又有什么特別的？你以為只有你遇到問題嗎？我們每個(gè)人都有自己的問題。人與人之間的區(qū)別只在于，在遇到生活中的問題時(shí)，抱有的態(tài)度和做出的選擇。你可以繼續(xù)責(zé)怪那第一位急診室醫(yī)生，對(duì)全世界發(fā)泄因你已經(jīng)失去的東西而在內(nèi)心中產(chǎn)生的不滿情緒；你也可以為你至今還擁有的東西感謝上帝。你本來可能正在接受透析治療，或者正帶著人工呼吸器，或者已經(jīng)失明、聾啞、失去了觸覺、味覺或嗅覺，甚至已經(jīng)腦死亡！不是每個(gè)人都像你一樣幸運(yùn)!!”
He continued "Many people don't get a second chance. We are all given only so much time here on Earth; We need to use it wisely! And that, you of all people should know that! You can continue to waste time wallowing in your pride and self-pity. Or, make the most of the time that you have left. It's your choice; and besides, you are already on rock bottom anyway; and the only way from there is up.
他繼續(xù)說：“許多人不會(huì)獲得第二次活下去的機(jī)會(huì)。我們?cè)谑郎暇湍敲炊鄷r(shí)間。我們需要明智地利用這些時(shí)間！而且，包括你在內(nèi)的所有人都應(yīng)該了解這一點(diǎn)！你可以繼續(xù)浪費(fèi)時(shí)間，沉溺于你的驕傲與自憐。或者，你也可以充分利用你所剩的時(shí)間。你自己有選擇權(quán)，而且，反正你已經(jīng)處在谷底，未來的日子會(huì)越來越好?！?br />This guy was good! He talked to me, not down at me in a way that I understood. Not like others up until then, or maybe I just wasn't listening. (when the student is ready) Anyway, he struck a nerve! It was then and there, after wasting years at carrying a tremendous grudge, that I finally broke down and let go! (It wasn't pretty; and to this day it is very difficult for me to talk about without getting emotional) I stopped hating, and realized that God, friends, family, health and time here on Earth are the only truly important things in life! (Also, the most abused!) Instantly, life took on a new meaning.
他是個(gè)優(yōu)秀的心理醫(yī)生！他在為我治療時(shí)是在與我促膝而談，而沒有以居高臨下的方式對(duì)待我。他與之前我見過的所有其他心理醫(yī)生不同，或者我只是沒聽進(jìn)他們的話。此時(shí)此刻，他觸及了要害?。ó?dāng)學(xué)生做好準(zhǔn)備時(shí)，老師就會(huì)出現(xiàn)）此前，我懷著極大的怨恨浪費(fèi)了那么多年的時(shí)光，最后我終于擺脫了怨恨，釋然了。這個(gè)過程沒那么精彩，甚至直到今天我都很難平靜地談?wù)撍也辉僭骱?，并且意識(shí)到上帝，以及世間的朋友、家人、健康和時(shí)間才是唯一真正重要的東西（也是最多被濫用的）。一瞬間，生活有了全新的意義。
I was warned several years before the incident, I would have a heart attack or stroke within ten years if I didn't slow down and change my ways. Believing that it only happens to someone else and old... Now, I am permanently impaired both mentally and physically, but I have become aware enough to know that I should have listened and considering the possibilities, Yes, I am a very lucky person!
這件事發(fā)生的數(shù)年前，就曾經(jīng)有人告誡我，如果我不放慢生活節(jié)奏，改變工作、生活方式，我就會(huì)在十年內(nèi)患上心臟病或中風(fēng)。但，我當(dāng)時(shí)認(rèn)為這只會(huì)發(fā)生在別人身上， 況且我正值壯年......現(xiàn)在，雖然我在精神和身體上都受到了永久性的損害，但是我已經(jīng)充分意識(shí)到，我本應(yīng)該聽取那次告誡，并考慮其可能性。沒錯(cuò)，我的確是一個(gè)非常幸運(yùn)的人！