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I am, however, an expert in pretending to be an expert in various areas, so just randomly like everything else in this speech. I am or I was an expert in kissing on stage and on screen. How did I prepare for this? Well most of my preparation for this was took place in my school or rather behind my suburban high school in New Jersery one is obliged to do great deal of kissing in my line of work. Air kissing, kissing up and of course actual kissing. Much like hookers, actors have to do it with people we may not like or even know. We may have to do it with friends, which, believe it or not is particularly awkward, for people of my generation, it's awkward.
然而，我卻是個善于在很多領域假裝成專家的專家。所以就像這篇演講稍后隨便提到的其他事情一樣，我是或者我曾是在舞臺或銀幕上接吻的專家。我是怎么準備接吻的？很多準備工作是在新澤西州郊區的高中或者在學校后面的某個角落完成的。我工作的過程中有大量的親吻戲，飛吻，回吻等，當然這些都是真實的吻。因為演員的工作有時和妓女差不多，不得不和不喜歡甚至不認識的人接吻。我們有時不得不親吻自己的朋友，不管你信不信，這樣很尷尬，對我們這代人來說，這確實是件很尷尬的事情。
My other areas of faux expertise, river rafting, miming the effects of radiation poisoning, knowing which shoes go with which bag, coffee plantationing, Turkish, Polish, German, French, Italian, that Iowa-Italian from The Bridges of Madison County, bit of the Bronx, Aramaic, Yiddish, Irish clog dancing, cooking, singing, riding hourses, knitting, playing the violin, and simulating steamy sexual encounters. These are some of the areas in which I have pretended quite proficiently to be successful, or the other way around. As have many women here, I'm sure.
我還擅長在其他領域假裝，如溪流泛舟、解決核輻射外泄、時裝搭配、咖啡種植、模仿土耳其口音、波蘭口音、德國口音、法國口音、意大利口音、《麥迪遜之橋》里面的愛荷華式意大利口音、一些布朗克斯語、阿拉姆語、意第緒語、愛爾蘭木屐舞、烹飪、唱歌、騎馬、編織、拉小提琴、模仿曖昧的性接觸等等。這是一些我假裝熟練并且取得成功的領域。我確信，在場的很多女性也和我一樣在某些領域很擅長假裝。
