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Maggie: OK Ben, we'll be back from the theatre by eleven, unless your father springs an after
show supper...we'll be back by eleven. Now, you know Chrissy's diapers are and I laid out her
pajamas, and I don't think it's a very good idea for you to have any friends over.
Stinky: Hey Ben, Big Bad Mama's on cable tonight!
Maggie: Stinky, I think you're gonna have to go home now.
Stinky: I'm not allowed at home whenever my mom and dad rent video tapes.
Maggie: Hello. Mike, somebody's calling about your car ad!!
Ben: He's not here; it’s outside showing his car to a ripe one.
Mike: Now I'm not selling flash or chrome or any space-age ignition systems like the cars
you've been considering. I'm talking about reliable transportation from a country that was a
major participant in world war two. Did I mention, it floats?
Carol: Mike, a lot of things float.
Mike: I am insulted.
Carol: Mike, forget it.
Mike: No, no, Carol, do me just this one favour, after all the good times we've had together.
Carol: Do I count this one?
Mike: Not yet. Come on, just try me Carol, I mean look...
Carol: Shut up, I'll take it for a spin
Mike: Good. Have a spin. By the way, you are sitting on something that did not require the
slaughter of a single living thing.
Carol: Then why does it smell in here?
Mike: I'll tell you after the cheque clears.
Carol: Where's the key?
Mike: Ah, interesting, Carol. I have done away with the inconvenience of keys.
Carol: What?
Mike: Yeah, you just touch the little red wire to the blue wire. Aha, I assume my anti-theft
system is on guard.
Maggie: Honey, why are you drinking coffee, we're gonna be late for the theatre.
Jason: Oh, relax Maggie, the curtain doesn't go up until eight forty five.
Maggie: Oh, well that's an odd time for a Broadway play to start.
Jason: Yeah, well they have to clear all the dishes.
Maggie: What dishes?
Jason: From the dinner.
Maggie: Jason, what Broadway theatre serves dinner before the show?
Jason: Oh, I said we were going to a Broadway play, I didn't say were going to Broadway
theatre.
Maggie: So, we're not going into New York.
Jason: Not if you want to make it to Perambis by show time.
Maggie: So, instead of going to Broadway, we're going to a dinner theatre in New Jersey and
we're not even having dinner!
Jason: Honey! I don't know about you, but when I'm going to see Charles Nelson Riley, I don't
care where he performs.
Maggie: Hello. Oh, yes I think it's still for sale. I'll try and find him. Mike!!!
Mike: What?
Maggie: It's for you, it's about your car.
Mike: Oh, thanks.
Jason: Are you gonna talk?
Mike: Err, yeah, Dad, come on, if I look too anxious this guy's gonna think something's wrong
with the car.
Jason: I thought there was.
Mike: See. Ah, hello, sir, sorry sorry for the wait, but I was just out showing my V Dub to a
young publishing executive who's test driving it now.
Jason: What young publishing executive?
Mike: Carol! Well the deal hasn't actually been finalized yet and frankly I don't even like the
woman. Well you could...you could wait till morning, but I think it would be better if you could
see it when it's dark...I mean now...before it's sold. Hello. Hello.
Jason: Mike, why do you have to be so sleazy?
Mike: Dad, I'm selling a car. Come on, what am I supposed to do? I mean tell 'em that the
engine's shot, the tyres are balled and the breaks are bad?
Jason: Yes.
Mike: But then I'd only get what its worth.
Jason: You know there are times in a father's life when he looks into his son's eyes and he
knows he's done a good job. This isn't one of them.
Carol: It's still here. Who's he after? Go around! Go around! Officer, I didn't know you meant
me. I've never been pulled over by a Police man before.
Policeman: I stopped you because of the For Sale sign.
Carol: Oh, you don't want to buy this piece of junk.
Policeman: Do you mind turning the engine off please.
Carol: Could you do it, I hate to touch bare wires. Is this car a piece of junk, or what?
Policeman: May I see your operator's licence and registration please.
Carol: Why?
Policeman: You're operating an unsafe vehicle.
Carol: Well, you didn't have to tell me that.
Policeman: Your operator's licence and registration, please!
Carol: I bet Mike's registration is...buried under all these unpaid parking tickets.
Policeman: Pardon me?
Carol: There must be forty or fifty in here.
Policeman: Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to arrange other transportation. Please step out of your
vehicle.
Carol: It's not my vehicle. If I had a vehicle, I would be happy to exit it. And I promise you my
vehicle would not smell like a cheese factory. Excuse me. Oops!
Stinky: Seaver residence, Stinky speaking.
Carol: I need to talk to Mike.
Stinky: He's not here.
Carol: Then my parents!
Stinky: They're out seeing Charles Manson Riley.
Carol: Then let me talk to Ben.
Stinky: Oh, hi Carol, how's it going?
Carol: Just get Ben!!
Stinky: Ben, phone for you, it's Carol!
Ben: Take a message, I'm in the can.
Stinky: He's in the can.
Carol: Stinky, I need to talk to him, it's a life or death situation.
Stinky: It's a life or death situation!
Ben: So's what I'm doing!
Stinky: So is what he's doing.
Carol: Help Ben find my mom and dad and tell them that I'm...
Stinky: Errm, Carol, could you hold on, I think there's a call waiting.
Carol: Look Stinky, this is more important...
Stinky: Hello, Seaver residence, Stinky speaking. Oh, hi Laura, it's Stinky. Ben, it's
Laura-Lynn!
Ben: Alright, alright, alright! Hello. Oh, hi Laura. Aha. Both your parents are gone! Yeah, I
think I could stop by some time tonight. I think it'll be late. Aha. Alright. Thanks. Bye. Well
what are you waiting for Chrissy, grab Stinky and let's go.
Stinky: I think he's got that backwards. Ben! I'm not going to answer it, it's never for me.
Answer phone message (Maggie and Jason): It's OK, we know a lot of people try to leave
cutesy little messages on their machines, but not us. Leave your massage at the tone, doo da
doo da. We'll call back when we're at home, do di doo da day. Hey!
Carol: (Leaving a message on the machine) Stinky, pick up! Ben you little rodent, where are
you? This isn't funny, I'm in jail and they're about to de-louse me! Somebody better do
something quick!
Carol: I don't belong in here with common criminals...thieves, degenerates, low-lifes...and I'm
sure you cocktail waitresses feel the same way.
Prisoner: Watch out for that little puddle in the corner.
Carol: Is she alright?
Prisoner 2: What do you think?
Carol: So, when does the guard get back?
Prisoner: Eleven thirty.
Carol: I can't wait till then. I have got to go home, I don't belong here.
Prisoner: Oh, darling, she melted my heart. What the heck, what do you say we let her out?
Carol: You can do that!
Prisoner 2: Think about this. If we could do that, would we be here with you?
Carol: I guess then you probably can't.
Prisoner: What did you do to get in here, anyway?
Carol: Nothing, absolutely nothing!
Prisoner 2: What did they charge you with?
Carol: You don't understand, people like me don't get arrested.
Prisoners: Oooh! Oooh!
Carol: I got straight A's in high school. My father is a psychiatrist, my mother is a journalist. I
work in Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York. Jail isn't for people like me, it's for
people like...I'll just say it...you!
Ben: OK, I'll make you a deal Chrissy; you don't breathe a word of where we were tonight you
get another suck box.
Chrissy: OK.
Maggie: Jason, I'll admit, I had my doubts about Charles Nelson Riley doing Othello.
Jason: Hey.
Maggie: But, my gosh, the man has range.
Chrissy: Hi.
Jason and Maggie: Hi Chrissy.
Jason: Chrissy!
Maggie: Chrissy! What are you doing out here all alone?
Jason: Ben, what's going on here?
Ben: Oh, I was just gonna give her this suck box.
Jason: What did you call me?
Ben: You explain it, Mom.
Maggie: No Ben, you explain why you and your baby sister are up past midnight and why she
is wearing this jacket.
Ben: Hey, she's going through this overcoat stage. I've been with her, on the couch, all
evening.
Jason: Is that why there are phone messages?
Ben: Ah, well you know what you've told me about not answering the phone when I'm home
alone.
Maggie: Ben, we never told you any thing like that.
Ben: Oh, right that was President Bush.
Maggie: So you've heard all these phone messages as they were coming in.
Answer phone Messages: (Carol) Stinky, pick up! Ben, you little rodent, where are you? This
isn't funny. I'm in jail and they're about to de-louse me. Somebody better do something quick!
Jason: Jail!
Answer phone message continued: Is anybody there? Mom! Mom!
Maggie: Oh, yes honey, I'm coming!! Oh, come on, Jason.
Answer phone message: (Laura-Lynn) Hi Benjamin, this is Laura-Lynn, I had a great time
tonight. Let's do it again next time my parents are out.
Maggie: Ben, this is serious.
Ben: You're telling me. There's some kid going around this town pretending he's me, with my
girl!
Prison Warden: Seaver! Carol Seaver!
