學(xué)生習(xí)作（第三段）

Another story about a stealth took place in ancient China. A man losing his ax, considering his neighbor as the thief, but he had no proof. Meeting[4] his neighbor the next morning in town, he observed him carefully and thoroughly, and every detail he caught strengthen his confidence in his suspicion. Yet a week later, the ax was found accidentally brought out by his son. He then go and see the neighbor, and all he saw was a common[5] innocent individual with neither trace nor tendency to stealth[6]. Due to various points of view, he found what he saw varies. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therefore, each individual decides truth.

語言修改

Anther example is about a theft that took place in ancient China. A man, who lost his ax, believed his neighbor took it although he had no proof.[7] When he met his neighbor in town the next morning, he observed him carefully and what he saw strengthened his suspicion. A week later, the ax was found by the owner’s son. He then went to see his neighbor and all he saw was an innocent person with no trace of stealth. He realized his unfounded suspicion had deceived his own eyes. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therefore, truth is often not objective.

本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

這個(gè)例子比第一個(gè)例子更合適一些，說明了人們主觀的認(rèn)識(shí)會(huì)影響對(duì)客觀事實(shí)的看法，導(dǎo)致看到的事實(shí)都失去了其客觀性。另外，本段對(duì)于故事的敘述比較清楚而且簡要，抓住了找到斧子前和找到斧子后發(fā)生的變化這個(gè)重點(diǎn)。

學(xué)生習(xí)作（第四段）

The two examples led us to a conclusion that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual, and this is my position towards this issue.

語言修改
The two examples above demonstrate that truth is not objective but rather is determined by the individual.

本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

結(jié)尾段比較簡潔，明確。沒有單純的重復(fù)開頭段，而是把結(jié)論建立在兩個(gè)例子上，使讀者覺得論述有根有據(jù)。

習(xí)作總評(píng)

這篇文章比較成功的說明了每個(gè)人的眼光都帶色，特別是開頭和結(jié)尾兩段沒有犯SAT作者常犯的錯(cuò)誤，中間的論證也比較有說服力。

本文沒有太多的理論闡述，文章基本上以舉例為主，通過舉例得出自己的觀點(diǎn)。本文講了兩個(gè)例子，一個(gè)是《呼嘯山莊》中的故事，另外一個(gè)例子是中國古代的例子。兩個(gè)例子都支持了作者的觀點(diǎn)，特別是第二個(gè)例子更貼切。而且兩個(gè)例子相互對(duì)應(yīng)，一個(gè)中國的，一個(gè)外國的；一個(gè)來自于民間故事，一個(gè)是文學(xué)名著；這樣兩個(gè)例子比較全面，讓人信服。

好的SAT作文除了語言外，關(guān)鍵還在于要以內(nèi)容取勝，而內(nèi)容關(guān)鍵在于舉例、講故事，從而自然而然地得出結(jié)論，闡明作者的觀點(diǎn)?？梢娖綍r(shí)多閱讀，不僅可以拓寬我們的知識(shí)面，提高文學(xué)素養(yǎng)，更可以在SAT作文中舉例論述，取得理想的成績。

[1] 原文的說法太啰嗦，直接用what I see and hear既簡練又清楚。

[2] 改后稿把原文的兩句話通過用兩個(gè)介詞about和toward合并成了一句，使句子簡潔。

[3] 原句和改后稿側(cè)重的角度不同，原句側(cè)重事情從不同角度看不一樣，改后稿側(cè)重人對(duì)于事物有不同認(rèn)識(shí)，改后稿的意思更符合本文論證的觀點(diǎn)。

[4]這里用meeting不太合適，因?yàn)閙eet“碰見，遇到”表示的是一個(gè)瞬間動(dòng)作，一般不能用現(xiàn)在分詞形式，因?yàn)楝F(xiàn)在分詞形式通常表示正在進(jìn)行或持續(xù)的動(dòng)作，而瞬間動(dòng)作一般是不能持續(xù)的。

[5] 這里的common沒有表達(dá)任何意思，而且也沒有common individual這樣的說法。應(yīng)用average persons, average 比 common 好，因?yàn)榍罢哂须A級(jí)差別的含義，當(dāng)今美國英語很少用這個(gè)詞。

[6] 句中所用動(dòng)詞時(shí)態(tài)不一致，對(duì)過去事情的描寫應(yīng)都用過去時(shí)。

[7] 原習(xí)作的前半句用了兩個(gè)分詞結(jié)構(gòu)，沒有主要?jiǎng)釉~，是不完整的句子。