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When her husband died of cancer 10 years ago, Becky Aikman says she experienced grief and adapted to her loss -- but not in the way some people seemed to expect.
貝姬・艾克曼(Becky Aikman)說(shuō)，10年前丈夫患癌去世時(shí)，她經(jīng)歷了悲痛，后來(lái)也適應(yīng)了丈夫的逝去――不過(guò)她的適應(yīng)方式似乎不像有些人期待的那樣。
About a year after his death, when Ms. Aikman felt it was time to start rebuilding her life, she attended a widows support group meeting. She arrived and found a tissue box on each chair, she recalls. The group leader talked about the five stages of grief, each woman described her husband's death and everyone cried.
大約在丈夫去世一年后，艾克曼覺(jué)得是時(shí)候開(kāi)始重建生活了，于是她參加了一個(gè)孀婦互助小組聚會(huì)。她回憶說(shuō)，到達(dá)會(huì)場(chǎng)時(shí)她發(fā)現(xiàn)每張椅子上都放了一個(gè)紙巾盒。小組組長(zhǎng)談?wù)摿吮瘋奈鍌€(gè)階段，每位女士介紹了各自丈夫去世的情況，接下來(lái)大家都開(kāi)始哭泣。
Afterward, Ms. Aikman spoke to the leader and, pointing out that the group was called 'Moving Forward After Loss,' she asked, 'Couldn't we focus on the future or moving on?' He told her he didn't think she fit in and asked her not to return.
事后艾克曼與小組組長(zhǎng)談了談。她指出，既然這個(gè)小組的名稱為“失去親人后繼續(xù)前行，難道我們不能把注意力放在未來(lái)或往前看嗎？”后者的回應(yīng)是，他覺(jué)得她不適合該小組，讓她以后不要再去了。
'There is an expectation that a proper widow maintains this cliche of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow,' says Ms. Aikman, now 58 and living in Brooklyn, N.Y. 'She doesn't go out, doesn't laugh, doesn't date. The idea is that you have to do a penance almost, for years.'
艾克曼說(shuō)：“人們期望一個(gè)得體的孀婦要維持永久悲傷的陳腐狀態(tài)。她要不出門，不放聲大笑，不約會(huì)。核心思想就是你要長(zhǎng)年堅(jiān)持苦修?！苯衲?8歲的艾克曼現(xiàn)在生活在紐約布魯克林區(qū)。
Almost five decades after psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 1969 book 'On Death and Dying,' the grieving process is still popularly understood to happen in five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
在心理學(xué)家伊麗莎白・庫(kù)布勒-羅斯(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)1969年的著作《論死亡和瀕臨死亡》(On Death and Dying)面世近50年后，悲傷過(guò)程依然被廣泛理解為分成五個(gè)階段出現(xiàn)――否定、憤怒、討價(jià)還價(jià)、沮喪和接受。
But in recent years researchers and experts have found little evidence that these stages exist. People who bounce back after a death, divorce or other traumatic loss often don't follow this sequence. Instead, many of them strive to actively move forward.
然而，近些年研究者和專家們發(fā)現(xiàn)，能證明這些階段存在的證據(jù)少之又少。從親人去世、離婚或其他創(chuàng)傷性事件中恢復(fù)過(guò)來(lái)的人往往沒(méi)有遵循這一順序。反之，他們當(dāng)中的許多人都努力積極向前。
'The traditional model of bereavement is that there is work to do,' says George Bonanno, a grief researcher and professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University's Teachers College, and the author of 'The Other Side of Sadness.' 'There has never really been any evidence for that.'
哥倫比亞大學(xué)(Columbia University)教育學(xué)院悲傷問(wèn)題研究者、臨床心理學(xué)教授喬治・博南諾(George Bonanno)說(shuō)：“按照傳統(tǒng)模式，失去親人后你要做很多事來(lái)解脫，實(shí)際上從來(lái)沒(méi)有任何證據(jù)證明這一點(diǎn)?！辈┠现Z博士也是《悲傷的另一面》(The Other Side of Sadness)一書(shū)的作者。
Each person's grieving is unique, of course. But in a 2002 study of older men and women who had lost spouses, Dr. Bonanno found that in 50% of the participants, the main symptoms of grief -- shock, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression -- had lifted within six months. 'The majority of people can function pretty soon afterward,' he says.
當(dāng)然，每個(gè)人的悲傷都是獨(dú)特的。但在2002年一項(xiàng)針對(duì)失去配偶的年齡較大男女的研究中，博南諾博士發(fā)現(xiàn)，在50%的受試者中，悲傷的主要癥狀――震驚、焦慮、侵入性想法和抑郁――在六個(gè)月內(nèi)消散了。他說(shuō)：“事后大多數(shù)人都能很快恢復(fù)正常。”
Instead of five stages, Dr. Bonanno compares grief to a swinging pendulum. People get very upset and then feel better -- over and over again. A person may be crying and then suddenly laugh at a funny joke or memory. In time, the periods between pendulum swings get longer and gradually the pain subsides.
博南諾博士沒(méi)有將悲傷與五個(gè)階段聯(lián)系在一起，而是將它比作搖晃的鐘擺。人們變得非常難過(guò)，然后又感覺(jué)好一些――如此周而復(fù)始。一個(gè)人可能會(huì)哭著哭著，突然因?yàn)橐粋€(gè)有趣的笑話或回憶而大笑起來(lái)。隨著時(shí)間的流逝，鐘擺擺動(dòng)的間隔變得更長(zhǎng)，慢慢地痛苦就平息了。
People often feel guilty about moving on, says Camille Wortman, professor of social and health psychology at Stony Brook University, in New York, whose research focuses on grief. 'This is why it doesn't work to just try and feel better,' she says.
紐約州立大學(xué)石溪分校(Stony Brook University) 主要研究悲傷問(wèn)題的社會(huì)與健康心理學(xué)教授卡米爾・沃特曼(Camille Wortman)指出，人們常常會(huì)對(duì)放下過(guò)去往前看感到愧疚。她說(shuō)：“這就是為什么努力讓自己感覺(jué)更好但沒(méi)有效果的原因?！?/div>
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It's important to ask yourself, 'What matters most in my life at this time?' Dr. Wortman says, and then focus on the answer. It might be your children, your health, your job or a passion for music or art. 'Stay in touch with your values,' she says. 'This can activate positive emotion, which provides a respite from grief.'
沃特曼博士指出，重要的事情是，你要問(wèn)自己“現(xiàn)在這個(gè)時(shí)候什么是我生命中最重要的東西？”然后把注意力放在你的答案上――它或許是你的孩子、你的健康、你的工作，或許是你對(duì)音樂(lè)或藝術(shù)的熱愛(ài)。”她建議：“要常常想想你的價(jià)值觀念，這能激發(fā)出積極情緒，能幫助你從悲傷中解脫出來(lái)?！?/div>
The advice boils down to: Get out and try something fun. Psychologists call it 'behavioral activation.' The idea is that feeling bad can lead to a downward spiral: You stop going out, quit exercising, sleep poorly, gain weight. Doing enjoyable things can reverse this trend.
這些建議歸結(jié)起來(lái)是：走出去嘗試些有趣的東西，這被心理學(xué)家稱為“行為激活”。其理念是感覺(jué)糟糕會(huì)引發(fā)惡性循環(huán)：你不再出門，放棄鍛煉，睡得不好，體重上升。做些令人愉快的事情可扭轉(zhuǎn)這種趨勢(shì)。
Steve Govoni has been widowed twice. After his first wife died in 1998, he read about how the stages of grief are like a slow climb out of a valley. Mr. Govoni had two small children and a demanding job as a supervisory analyst. 'Languishing in that valley wasn't a viable option, so I just soldiered on,' he says.
史蒂夫・戈沃尼(Steve Govoni)有過(guò)兩次喪偶經(jīng)歷。在第一任妻子于1998年去世后，他讀了些書(shū)，講述的是經(jīng)歷悲傷的各階段就像像慢慢爬出山谷。當(dāng)時(shí)他的兩個(gè)孩子年齡尚小，而且他從事的管理分析師工作要求很嚴(yán)苛。他說(shuō)：“在那個(gè)山谷中煎熬不是個(gè)可行的辦法，所以我就選擇了直面困難。”
In time, he met a wonderful woman and remarried. Then last March, his second wife died after an 18-month battle with cancer. This time, Mr. Govoni decided to tackle his grief head-on. He looked up old friends, took his son to Rangers games on his visits home from college and worked on enlarging his wife's gardens. He took his daughter to Broadway plays and volunteered as the photographer for her high-school drama productions.
后來(lái)，他遇到了一位非常不錯(cuò)的女子，再次走進(jìn)了婚姻。去年3月，在與癌癥搏斗了18個(gè)月后，他的第二任妻子也離世了。這一次，戈沃尼決定正面應(yīng)對(duì)自己的悲傷。他去看望老朋友，帶大學(xué)放假回家的兒子去玩游騎兵游戲并動(dòng)手?jǐn)U建妻子的花園。他還帶女兒去百老匯看戲劇，并自告奮勇充當(dāng)女兒高中戲劇作品的攝影師。
'Grieving is never easy, but the combination of doing a job I love and maximizing quality time with friends and my daughter made it easier to move on,' says the 64-year-old senior financial writer, who lives in Rowayton, Conn.
今年64歲的戈沃尼說(shuō)：“悲傷從來(lái)都不讓人輕松，但從事我喜歡的工作以及盡可能多與朋友和女兒共度愉快時(shí)光，讓繼續(xù)前行變得更容易?！爆F(xiàn)在身為資深財(cái)經(jīng)作家的他生活在康涅狄格州的羅威頓(Rowayton)。
Ms. Aikman, a newspaper reporter at the time of her husband's death, used her journalism skills to research better ways to move through grief, with the idea that she might even write a book. She found out that grief doesn't go in stages, but in waves. 'So I learned that this feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back was normal,' she says.
在丈夫去世之時(shí)，艾克曼是一名新聞?dòng)浾?。她利用自己的新聞技能?lái)發(fā)掘出度過(guò)悲傷的更好方法，并產(chǎn)生了或許還能寫本書(shū)的想法。她發(fā)現(xiàn)悲痛并不是分階段展開(kāi)的，而是一陣陣出現(xiàn)的。她說(shuō)：“這樣一來(lái)我了解到進(jìn)兩步退一步的這種感覺(jué)是正常的?！?/div>
She wondered: Why not form a support group of her own? She put out the word and found five other women who had been widowed between six months and two years. They planned to meet once a month on a Saturday night, emotionally the toughest night of the week, Ms. Aikman says. After their first meeting, the women made plans to try new activities together instead of sitting around talking about loss. 'We needed to change if we wanted to be happy.' Ms. Aikman says.
她開(kāi)始思考：為什么自己不成立一個(gè)互助小組呢？她發(fā)出了消息，找到了另外五名喪偶六個(gè)月至兩年時(shí)間的女性。她說(shuō)她們計(jì)劃每個(gè)月聚一次，時(shí)間選在周六晚，因?yàn)檫@是一周當(dāng)中在情感上最難熬的夜晚。在第一次見(jiàn)面后，她們還制定計(jì)劃一同去嘗試新活動(dòng)，而不是干坐著討論自己失去了什么。她說(shuō)道：“如果想開(kāi)心起來(lái)，我們就需要做出改變?！?/div>
The women took a cooking class; went on a tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art that focused on works about recovery and renewal; spent the weekend at a spa; shopped for lingerie; helped one member move into a new home; volunteered at a camp for children who had lost a parent; and invited several widowers over to compare experiences. Their grand finale was a trip to Morocco.
她們參加了一門烹飪課；策劃參觀了大都會(huì)藝術(shù)博物館，欣賞以復(fù)蘇與新生為主題的作品；在溫泉療養(yǎng)地度周末；一起購(gòu)買女士?jī)?nèi)衣；幫助一名小組成員搬進(jìn)新家；在喪親兒童露營(yíng)活動(dòng)中擔(dān)任自愿者；還請(qǐng)來(lái)幾名喪偶男性比較各自的經(jīng)歷。最后她們以一趟摩洛哥之旅給互助小組畫上了句號(hào)。
Through it all, they talked about how to move forward, to date, to deal with children, to merge families when they remarried. They discussed grief, too, of course -- but only when it came up naturally in conversation.
在整個(gè)過(guò)程中，她們討論了如何繼續(xù)前進(jìn)，如何開(kāi)始新戀情，如何與孩子相處以及再婚時(shí)如何融合家庭。當(dāng)然，她們也討論了悲痛――但只是在它自然而然出現(xiàn)在談話中時(shí)才討論。
Ms. Aikman eventually wrote a book about the women and their friendships; 'Saturday Night Widows' came out last year. Ms. Aikman says she has heard from hundreds of people who are relieved to learn their grieving process wasn't strange even though it doesn't fit the stereotype. Many people said they'd been inspired to try something new -- getting a dog, taking a trip, buying a car. One woman went to a jazz club alone, another learned to snowboard. Quite a few decided to form their own support groups.
艾克曼最終寫了一本書(shū)講述她們這群人及她們的友情，取名為《周六晚的孀婦們》(Saturday Night Widows)，已在去年出版。她說(shuō)，她接到了幾百名讀者的信，信中說(shuō)，她們明白了，自己的悲痛過(guò)程即使與舊傳統(tǒng)不符也沒(méi)有什么奇怪的，這使她們松了一口氣。許多人說(shuō)，她們受到了啟發(fā)去嘗試新事物，比如養(yǎng)只寵物狗、出門旅行、買輛新車等等。有一名女子只身去了爵士俱樂(lè)部，另一人則學(xué)會(huì)了滑雪，還有不少人決定成立自己的互助小組。
'If you want to be happy, you have to grow and change,' Ms. Aikman says. 'And pushing yourself into new experiences is the way to do that.'
艾克曼說(shuō)：“如果你想開(kāi)心起來(lái)，你得成長(zhǎng)并做出改變。促使自己尋求新體驗(yàn)是實(shí)現(xiàn)這個(gè)目的的途徑?！?/p>
| 重點(diǎn)單詞 | 查看全部解釋 | |||
| viable | ['vaiəbl] |
想一想再看 adj. 能居住的的，能生存的，可行的 |
聯(lián)想記憶 | |
| sequence | ['si:kwəns] |
想一想再看 n. 順序，連續(xù)，次序，序列，一系列 |
聯(lián)想記憶 | |
| anxiety | [æŋ'zaiəti] |
想一想再看 n. 焦慮，擔(dān)心，渴望 |
||
| metropolitan | [.metrə'pɔlitən] |
想一想再看 n. 大都市的居民，大主教 |
聯(lián)想記憶 | |
| trend | [trend] |
想一想再看 n. 趨勢(shì)，傾向，方位 |
聯(lián)想記憶 | |
| experienced | [iks'piəriənst] |
想一想再看 adj. 有經(jīng)驗(yàn)的 |
||
| psychologist | [sai'kɔlədʒist] |
想一想再看 n. 心理學(xué)家 |
聯(lián)想記憶 | |
| eventually | [i'ventjuəli] |
想一想再看 adv. 終于，最后 |
||
| demanding | [di'mændiŋ] |
想一想再看 adj. 要求多的，吃力的 |
||
| activate | ['æktiveit] |
想一想再看 v. 激活，使活動(dòng)，起動(dòng) |
聯(lián)想記憶 |
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