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Twilight
Awkward, lip-biting teenager Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington, where she falls in love with mysterious, moody, tan-averse Edward Cullen. Who turns out to be a vampire! But, y'know, a vegetarian one: he only eats animals. Edward and his foster brothers and sisters protect Bella when some evil vampires turn up.
Men will always be there to save us weak women
Whether Bella (Kristen Stewart) is walking in front of cars, falling off motorbikes, getting mugged, or merely condemning her soul to Hell by trying to have premarital sex, there's always a vampire (Edward, Robert Pattinson) or wolf (Jacob, Taylor Lautner) to save her. You know what us silly women are like! Always getting ourselves into situations men need to get us out of…
男人總是會在那里來解救我們這些脆弱的女人
無論貝拉(克里斯汀•斯圖爾特)是走在汽車前面、從摩托車上墜落，被搶劫或者僅僅因試圖有婚前性行為而遭受靈魂下地獄的譴責，總是會有一個吸血鬼(愛德華,羅伯特•帕丁森)或狼(雅各布,泰勒勞特納)來救她。你知道我們這些傻女人像什么樣的！總是會讓自己陷在需要男性把我們解救的境地…
Twilight: New Moon
Edward's brother Jasper lets slip he wants to eat Bella (awkward!) so the Cullen family leave town and Bella mopes for months and months. The only person who can cheer her up is her childhood mate Jacob. Who – would you believe it? – is also a werewolf! But, you know, a really sexy one.
In Hollywood, makeovers and pointless topless scenes aren't just for girls
Between Twilight and New Moon, Taylor Lautner clearly hit the gym. In the first film, he wasn't that hot: long hair, bit scrawny, at least a foot shorter than all the other men in Forks. But by movie number two he'd had a haircut, got a tattoo and was ready to take his top off. A lot. In fact, over four films, he has 13 topless scenes, all outdoors. The films are set in Forks, Washington State, near the Canadian border, in winter, and not one character says, "Hang on, aren't you a bit… cold?"
在《暮光之城》和《新月》，泰勒勞特納顯然經常上健身房。在第一部電影里，他并沒有那么性感：長發，有點骨瘦如柴的，至少比?？怂沟乃衅渌腥税稽c。但他在第二部電影中他剪短了頭發，紋身了，準備脫掉他的上衣。很多。事實上，在四部影片中，他有13個半裸的場景，所有都是戶外的。影片設置華盛頓州的?？怂?，靠近加拿大邊境，冬天，不只一個人說：“等一下，你會不會有點…冷？”
Twilight: Eclipse
Edward's back, because he just can't live without Bella. But she wants to have sex, and he's not up for it unless they're married. "I want to bond myself to you in every way possible," she says, which is all very well but there's also an army of vampires about to arrive in Forks to try and kill Bella. Keep up.
Teenage boys are really frigid
They won't have sex with you if you're not married first! This isn't quite the way I remember it, but it was a long time ago. The only way that Edward will agree to sleep with Bella is if SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM. He's worried for her soul, you see. Er, if your name is Nick and you were at a house party in Farnborough in 2001, can I have my virginity back real quick, please? Because if not, I'm going to Hell. Which I can only imagine is Twilight films, on loop.
他們不會與你做愛如果你們沒有先結婚！這并不是我確切地記得這些，但這是很久以前的事了。愛德華唯一同意與貝拉一起睡是在她嫁給了他的情況下。他擔心她的靈魂，你看。呃，如果你叫尼克，你是在2001年范堡羅的一次家庭聚會上，我可以很快要回我的童貞嗎？因為如果沒有，我就要去地獄。我只能想象的是《暮光之城》的電影，在循環。
Twilight: Breaking Dawn
Bella and Edward get married, have a lovely wedding, go on their honeymoon, have THE SEX, but then Bella realises she's pregnant, with a vampire baby and the NHS helpline is no use. She decides that having it is "the right thing to do".
Never complain that 'nothing happens' in Twilight movies ever again
The fifth film will make you look back nostalgically at the lip-biting, longing stares and endless silences of the first four movies. Because this one's brutal. The battle scene is 20 minutes of heads being ripped off, faces being kicked in and at one point, someone throws a baby on the fire and everyone else is all "good move, bro".
第五部電影會讓你懷舊地回顧前四部影片中的輕咬嘴唇，渴望的目光和無盡的沉默。因為這一部是殘暴的。戰斗場景是20分鐘的開頭廝打，面臨著被踢打，在某個時刻有人把一個嬰兒扔進火里，其他人都在說“干得好，兄弟”。
