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Donna Talarico sat at her computer one morning, stared at the screen and realized she had forgotten - again! - her password.
一天早上，唐娜•塔拉里科(Donna Talarico)坐在電腦前，眼睛直直地看著屏幕，發(fā)覺自己──又忘了登錄密碼！
She was having financial difficulties at the time, and was reading self-help books to boost her mood and self-confidence. The books talked about the power of positive affirmation - which gave her an idea: She changed her various passwords to private messages to herself, like 'imawe$some1' or 'dogoodworktoday.'
那段時間，塔拉里科遇到些財務(wù)問題，正在閱讀勵志書籍，以期重振旗鼓、提升自信。勵志書中談到積極肯定的力量，讓她靈感突發(fā)：于是她把自己的各種驗證密碼都改成了一些帶有自我積極暗示的字詞或句子，例如“imawe$some1”、“dogoodworktoday”等等。
'It's something so simple,' says the 34-year-old marketing manager at Elizabethtown College, in Pennsylvania. 'It just reinforces that you're a good person. You can do a good job at whatever you are trying to talk yourself into.'
塔拉里科現(xiàn)年34歲，在賓夕法尼亞州伊麗莎白城學(xué)院(Elizabethtown College)擔(dān)任市場經(jīng)理。她回憶說，“那個密碼應(yīng)該是很簡單的一句話，只是強(qiáng)調(diào)你是一個好人、可以做好任何自己想嘗試的事情之類的。”
In times of stress, even people with close social networks can feel utterly alone. We're often advised to 'buck up,' 'talk to someone' (who is often paid to listen) or take a pill. Wouldn't it also make sense to learn ways to comfort and be supportive of ourselves?
壓力大時，哪怕一些平時經(jīng)常參加社交活動的人也會產(chǎn)生很強(qiáng)烈的孤獨感。這個時候，我們得到的建議往往是“振作點”，“找人聊聊”（往往是我們付錢讓別人聽），或者吃片藥。既然這樣，為什么我們不試著學(xué)學(xué)自我放松、自我鼓舞呢？
Think of it as becoming our own best friend, or our own personal coach, ready with the kind of encouragement and tough love that works best for us. After all, who else knows us better than ourselves? If that sounds crazy, bear in mind it sure beats turning to chocolate, alcohol or your Pekingese for support.
想想看，自己做自己最好的朋友或者私人教練，用最適合自己的方式鼓勵或嚴(yán)格要求自己，不是很棒嗎？畢竟，還有誰會比我們更了解自己呢？如果這種想法聽起來有些異想天開，那你就錯了，記住，比起不停地吃巧克力、用酒精麻痹自己或者向自己的寵物尋求慰藉，自我調(diào)節(jié)要好上千百倍。
Experts say that to feel better you need to treat yourself kindly - this is called 'self-compassion' - and focus on the positive, by being optimistic. Research shows self-compassionate people cope better with everything from a major relationship breakup to the loss of their car keys. They don't compound their misery by beating themselves up over every unfortunate accident or mistake. Car broke down? Sure, it's a drag, but it doesn't make you an idiot.
專家表示，要讓自己感覺好一點，我們需要善待自己──對此有個專門的名詞叫做“自我同情”(self-compassion)，另外，還要保持樂觀心態(tài)，學(xué)會積極看待事物。研究顯示，會自我同情的人能夠更好地處理各種狀況，不論是重大的感情破裂還是丟了汽車鑰匙。遇到不幸或犯錯時，這樣的人不容易過于自責(zé)，加重自己的負(fù)擔(dān)。汽車拋錨了？沒錯，遇到這種事是挺煩的，但我們不值得為此像白癡一樣抓狂。
'They are treating themselves like a kind friend,' says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University. 'When bad things happen to a friend, you wouldn't yell at him.'
杜克大學(xué)(Duke University)心理學(xué)和神經(jīng)科學(xué)教授馬克•萊亞里(Mark Leary)表示，懂得自我同情的人會像對好朋友一樣對自己，“如果一個好朋友遇到麻煩，你是不會向他發(fā)脾氣的。”
In 15 studies conducted over the past seven years, Dr. Leary has found that self-compassionate people are happier. Three of the studies, soon to be published, examine how self-compassion affects people over age 65. The studies found that people who accepted memory lapses, arthritis and other difficulties of getting older, and who treated themselves extra nicely on tough days, reported more positive emotions and were coping better with the aging process.
萊亞里博士從過去七年間進(jìn)行的15項研究中發(fā)現(xiàn)，懂得自我同情的人會更幸福。其中三項研究成果很快即將公開發(fā)表，主要研究的是自我同情能力對65歲以上老年人的影響。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，能夠坦然接受因為上了年紀(jì)而造成的失憶、關(guān)節(jié)炎或其他問題的人，以及在艱難時刻能夠特別善待自己的人，情緒上往往更加積極向上，也更能夠輕松面對自己的自然衰老。
Self-compassion helps people overcome life's little, and not-so-little, stressors, such as public speaking. In another study, Dr. Leary asked people to stand in front of a videocamera and make up a story starting with the phrase, 'Once there was a little bear. . .' Then he asked them to critique their performance, captured on videotape.
自我同情能夠幫助人們克服日常生活中遇到的大大小小的壓力事件，例如公開演講。在另一項研究中，萊亞里博士要求被研究對象站在攝像機(jī)鏡頭前，以“從前，有一頭小熊……”起頭當(dāng)場編一個故事出來。然后，他讓被研究的對象回看錄像，對自己的表現(xiàn)作出點評。
People whom the study had identified as being high in self-compassion admitted they looked silly, recognized the task wasn't easy and joked about it. People low in self-compassion gave harsh self-criticism.
這些被研究對象事先已經(jīng)接受過自我同情能力測試，其中，自我同情能力測試結(jié)果較高的人在看完錄像回放后往往會承認(rèn)，自己在鏡頭前看起來很傻，要完成這項任務(wù)很不容易，他們甚至?xí)米约旱谋憩F(xiàn)開開玩笑。而自我同情能力測試結(jié)果較低的人則往往會進(jìn)行嚴(yán)厲的自責(zé)。
Experts say you can learn self-compassion in real time. You can train your brain to focus on the positive - even if you're wired to see the glass as half empty. A person's perspective, or outlook, is influenced by factors including genetic makeup (is he prone to depression?), experiences (what happened to him?) and 'cognitive bias' (how does he interpret his experiences?). We can't change our genes or our experiences, but experts say we can change the way we interpret what has happened in the past.
專家表示，我們可以隨時培養(yǎng)自己的自我同情能力。我們可以通過訓(xùn)練，讓大腦專注于積極向上的一面──即便一些人習(xí)慣于悲觀看待問題。人的想法或觀點受到很多因素的影響，包括基因構(gòu)成（先天具有憂郁傾向？）、生活經(jīng)歷（以前經(jīng)歷過什么？）和“認(rèn)知偏向”（習(xí)慣于如何理解自己的經(jīng)歷？）等。我們無法改變自己的基因構(gòu)成和過去的生活經(jīng)歷，但專業(yè)人士指出，我們能夠改變自己對過往經(jīng)歷的理解方式。
Everyone has an optimistic and a pessimistic circuit in their brain, says Elaine Fox, visiting research professor at the University of Oxford, England, and director of the Affective Neuroscience Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at the University of Essex. Fear, rooted in the amygdala, helps us identify and respond to threats and is at the root of pessimism. Optimism, in contrast, is rooted in the nucleus accumbens, the brain's pleasure center, which responds to food, sex and other healthy, good things in life.
《大腦的陰天與晴天》(Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain)一書作者、英國埃塞克斯大學(xué)(University of Essex)心理系情感認(rèn)知神經(jīng)科學(xué)實驗室(Affective Neuroscience Laboratory)主任、牛津大學(xué)(University of Oxford)客座研究教授伊萊恩•福克斯(Elaine Fox)表示，人的大腦中既有一個樂觀的神經(jīng)回路，也有一個悲觀的神經(jīng)回路。發(fā)源于杏仁體的恐懼情緒能夠幫助我們對威脅進(jìn)行識別和反應(yīng)，也是悲觀情緒產(chǎn)生的根源。而樂觀情緒則發(fā)源于大腦的“快樂中樞”伏隔核，這里的神經(jīng)元會促使人對食物、性和其他生活中健康、美好的食物作出反應(yīng)。
'The most resilient people experience a wide range of emotions, both negative and positive,' says Dr. Fox, author of 'Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain.' To enjoy life and feel good, people need roughly four positive emotions to counteract the effect of one negative emotion, she says. People who experience life as drudgery had two or even one positive emotion for every negative one, Dr. Fox has found.
福克斯博士說，“最達(dá)觀的人能夠體驗到各類情緒，有樂觀的，也有悲觀的。”她表示，要享受生活、保持良好感覺，一個人大約需要動用四種正面情緒來抵抗一種負(fù)面情緒的影響。她發(fā)現(xiàn)，覺得生活悲苦的人往往只有一到兩種正面情緒來對抗某種負(fù)面情緒。
It's possible to change your cognitive bias by training the brain to focus more on the positive than on the negative. In the lab, Dr. Fox showed subjects pairs of images, one negative (the aftermath of a bomb blast, say) and one either positive (a cute child) or neutral (an office). Participants were asked to point out, as quickly as possible, a small target that appeared immediately after each positive or neutral image - subliminally requiring them to pay less attention to the negative images, which had no target.
實驗表明，我們是有可能通過訓(xùn)練大腦多關(guān)注正面信息、少關(guān)注負(fù)面信息，最終改變自己的認(rèn)知傾向的。福克斯博士在實驗中向參與對象每次展示兩幅圖像，一幅是負(fù)面的（例如某個爆炸案現(xiàn)場的圖片），一幅則是正面的（例如一個可愛的孩子）或者中性的（例如一間辦公室）。研究人員在每次展示完正面或中性的圖片后都會要求參與對象盡快說出頭腦中閃現(xiàn)了什么，而在展示完負(fù)面圖片后則沒有這個要求，以此潛移默化地降低實驗對象對負(fù)面信息的關(guān)注度。
Want to try this at home? Write down, in a journal, the positive and negative things that happen to you each day, whether running into an old friend or missing your bus. Try for four positives for each negative. You'll be training your brain to look for the good even as you acknowledge the bad, Dr. Fox says.
福克斯博士表示，如果讀者想在家里嘗試這個訓(xùn)練，可以在日記本中寫下每天遇到的開心和不開心的事情，例如意外遇到一位老友，或者沒能趕上一班公交車。但要注意每寫下一件不開心的事情，要盡量同時寫下四件開心的事情。如此這般，大腦逐漸就會習(xí)慣去尋找積極向上的東西，即便我們依然會面對或發(fā)現(xiàn)一些負(fù)面的東西。
When I asked, I was pleasantly surprised by the number and variety of ways people said they treat themselves with compassion, care and kindness. Anittah Patrick, a 35-year-old online marketing consultant in Philadelphia, celebrated her emergence from a long depression by making herself a valentine. She covered an old picture frame with lace and corks from special bottles of wine, and drew a big heart inside. Using old computer keys, she spelled out the message 'Welc*me Back.' Then she put it on her dressing table, where she sees it every morning. 'It's a nice reminder that I'll get through whatever challenge I'm facing,' she says.
當(dāng)我向人們詢問時，驚喜地發(fā)現(xiàn)大家自我同情、自我關(guān)心和自我愛護(hù)的方式方法多種多樣、不勝枚舉。費城35歲的網(wǎng)絡(luò)營銷顧問安妮塔•帕特里克(Anittah Patrick)以給自己過一個情人節(jié)的方式，慶祝自己從長期的抑郁癥中走出來。她用蕾絲包住一個老相框，用特殊葡萄酒瓶的軟木塞在里面拼出一個大大的心形圖案，還用舊的電腦鍵盤上的按鍵，拼出“Welc*me Back”字樣，然后把它擺放在梳妝臺上，讓自己每天早上都能看到。她說，“這能夠很好地提醒我自己，我能夠面對任何困難的挑戰(zhàn)。”
If Kris Wittenberg, a 45-year-old entrepreneur from Vail, Colo., starts to feel bad, she tells herself 'Stop,' and jots down something she is grateful for. She writes down at least five things at the end of each day. 'You start to see how many negative thoughts you have,' she says.
來自科羅拉多州韋爾市(Vail)、現(xiàn)年45歲的企業(yè)主克里斯•維滕貝格(Kris Wittenberg)在感覺不好時，會對自己“喊停”，然后記下一些讓她感激的事情。每天終了，她至少能記下五件這樣的事情。她說，“這時候你就會開始意識到自己之前的想法有多悲觀。”
Kevin Kilpatrick, 55, a college professor and children's author in San Diego, talks to himself - silently, unless he is in the car - going over everything positive he has accomplished recently. 'It helps me to hear it out loud, especially from the voice that's usually screaming at me to do better, work harder and whatever else it wants to berate me about,' he says.
圣迭戈市(San Diego)55歲的大學(xué)教授、童書作家凱文•基爾帕特里克(Kevin Kilpatrick)會在心里默默過一遍最近完成的每一件開心的事情，如果當(dāng)時是坐在自己車?yán)锼蜁舐曊f出來。他說，“這么做能夠讓我自己清楚地聽到開心的事情，特別是在心中還有個聲音嘶吼著要求自己做得更好、工作更努力些等等讓我忍不住自責(zé)的情況下。”
Adam Urbanski, 42, who owns a marketing firm and lives in Irvine, Calif., keeps a binder labeled 'My Raving Fans' in his office. Filling it are more than 100 cards and letters from clients and business contacts thanking him for his help. 'All it takes is reading a couple of them to realize that I do make a difference,' Mr. Urbanski says.
加州歐文市(Irvine)42歲的亞當(dāng)•烏爾班斯基(Adam Urbanski)經(jīng)營著一家市場營銷公司，他在辦公室里放了一本標(biāo)記為“我的鐵桿粉絲”(My Raving Fans)的活頁夾，里面有100多張名片，還有客戶和生意上的聯(lián)絡(luò)人寄來的感謝信。他說，“只要從里面拿幾封感謝信出來讀一讀，就會讓我覺得自己還是有作為的。”
He has something he calls his '1-800-DE-FUNK line.' It's not a real number, but a strategy he uses when he is upset. He calls a friend, vents for 60 seconds, then asks her about her problems. 'It's amazing how five minutes of working on someone else's problems makes my own disappear,' he says. Sometimes, as a reality check, he asks himself, 'What Would John Nash Think?' in honor of the mathematician, Nobel laureate and subject of the film 'A Beautiful Mind,' who suffered from paranoid schizophrenia.
烏爾班斯基還有一個他自己稱之為“1-800-DE-FUNK”熱線的秘密武器，這當(dāng)然不是一個真的電話號碼，而是他在自己情緒不佳時的一種應(yīng)對策略。他會給一個朋友打電話，自己發(fā)泄一分鐘左右，然后聽朋友講述她所遇到的問題。他說，“花個五分鐘時間討論別人遇到的問題，自己的問題反而好像消失了，這真的很神奇。”有時候，為了讓自己清醒一些，他會問自己，“如果是約翰•納什(John Nash)會怎么想呢？”這也是出于對這位數(shù)學(xué)家、諾貝爾經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)獎得主的一種敬重。約翰•納什患有偏執(zhí)型精神分裂癥，是電影《美麗心靈》(A Beautiful Mind)主人翁的原型。
Are things really as dire as he thinks? Is he overreacting? 'It always turns out that whatever keeps me down isn't really as bad as I thought,' Mr. Urbanski says.
烏爾班斯基表示，設(shè)想了約翰•納什的偏執(zhí)想法后，自己會忖度，“事情真有他想的那么恐怖嗎？他是不是反應(yīng)過度了？思量到最后，我總是會意識到，其實情況不像我原來想象的那么糟糕。”
