[9]我們在婚姻中最想得到的是什么？是愛與被愛，是幸福與安定，是不斷的成長與發現。愛情的關系就是一個花園，在這個花園里我們種植、培養和收獲最寶貴的莊稼，這就是我們自己；在這個花園里，我們要給我們的愛人提供同樣肥沃的土壤，讓她茁壯成長。

[10]We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesn’t care for, he can bring joy to his partner. That’s a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isn’t it?

[10]我們不可能得到自己想要的東西，除非我們的配偶得到他（或她）想要的。例如：一個女人想去聽一場交響樂，而她的丈夫卻討厭交響樂，只要丈夫寧愿花幾個小時去聽一下他不喜歡的音樂，就可以給他的配偶帶來快樂，難道這不是一個很廉價的換取快樂的辦法嗎？

[11]But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there aren’t a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.

[11]但是如果丈夫想要和他的朋友們一起去釣魚呢？這時妻子就面臨同意或不同意的抉擇，就像墻紙樣手冊中突然沒有許多樣紙可供挑選了。

[12]Already you can hear the usual power strategies: “I’ll spend my money any way I please,” or “How come you’re such a millstone? Jim’s wife is happy that he gets to go.”

[12]你也許已聽說過這樣的權力策略：“我可以隨意花我自己的錢。”或：“你怎么這樣麻煩？吉姆的妻子就高興他隨便去哪兒。”

[13]Instead of such strategies, he might try empowering his partner: “Honey, I’d like to go on a fishing trip with the boys. What do you think?” “I thought we were going away.” “How about this fall? I’ve always wanted to take a trip with you to see the fall foliage in New England.” “Good idea. I’ll go see my mother while you’re fishing.” Such a dialogue, as idealistic as it sounds, is born of a marriage of mature adults.

[13]不采用這種辦法，丈夫可以把事情讓妻子自己決定：“親愛的，我想和小伙子們一塊去釣魚，你看怎樣？” “我想還是我們一塊出去吧。” “今年秋天再去怎樣？我一直想跟你去新英格蘭看一看秋天的落葉。” “好吧。你去釣魚而我回家看母親。” 這樣的對話，聽起來是最理想的了。它只能發生在很成熟的成年人配偶之間。

[14]But what if she says, “You always make promises you never keep. This fall there will be some excuse. I think you owe me a trip first”? Now he must decide. Is she right? She could be, you know. When the couple arrives at this juncture, it’s time for him to listen.

[14]但如果妻子說：“你從不信守諾言。到今年秋天你又會有別的借口。我想是你首先欠我一次出游，對吧？”這樣丈夫就必須決定，他的妻子是否正確。要知道，他的妻子可能是正確的。當雙方到了這樣一個關鍵時刻，丈夫就應該聽從了。

[15]When anger is hurled at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. It’s that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.

[15]如果激憤在我們之間爆發，它會傷害我們的感情。如果激憤是一把手槍，我認為也要像對待控制他人的欲望一樣，要在一開始就不讓它發射出來。但是憤怒可以是內心傷痛的一種釋放。當你的配偶釋放憤怒的時候，你就必須停止爭吵。道理很簡單，爭吵必須終止，因為其中一人可能已被觸動內心的痛處。

[16]Try this: Let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means she’s been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.

[16]不妨這樣試一下：讓你們之間的緊張松弛一下，讓你們之間的風暴平息一點。告訴你的妻子你理解她的激憤，你知道她內心有傷痛，你愿意為此做點什么，因為你愛她。

[17]Perhaps she’ll tell you why she’s hurt—angrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger as sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.

[17]也許她會憤怒地告訴你她為什么受傷，不要拖延，只管傾聽她激憤的表達。當你發現她的痛處是什么時，你可以說出它的原因，這樣激憤就可以平撫。

[18]You’re allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to soothe your hurt. When you talk of your hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.

[18]你自己也可以表示憤怒，但是對你的配偶宣泄你的激憤不是一個撫平內心傷痛的好辦法。你如心平氣和地說出你的隱傷，你會得到心平氣和的理解。

[19] So remember: If you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.

[19]所以請記住：如果你要想在你們的關系中克服激憤，那么就要找出內心的傷痛；如果你要想得到愛和尊重，就必須放棄對伴侶的控制；如果你想要贏得家中的口角，就先學會認輸吧！