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Desk rage
辦公室的桌怒
The health condition that blights office workers everywhere.
一種折磨著世界各地上班族的健康問題。
A recent piece of research revealed that as many as one in five people in Britain suffers from “misophonia”, a condition in which certain sounds cause them disproportionate distress.
最近的一項研究顯示，在英國，多達五分之一的人有“恐音癥”，即某些聲音會給他們帶來極大的痛苦。
If you can listen to your spouse eating an apple and don’t immediately want a divorce, you are not a sufferer of misophonia.
如果你聽見你的另一半吃蘋果的聲音，這不會讓你想馬上離婚，那么你就沒有恐音癥。
But you may have another, similar condition for which the workplace is the perfect breeding-ground.
但你也可能有另一種類似的情況，辦公環境是滋生這種情況的完美溫床。
“Misergonia” (colloquial shorthand: desk rage) is the name hereby bestowed on the eye-gougingly deep irritation triggered by certain aspects of office life.
“恐工癥”(口語簡稱為桌怒)是對讓人怒目的強烈煩躁情緒的稱呼，這種煩躁情緒是由辦公室生活的某些方面引發的。
Like misophonia, sounds are often the trigger for misergonia.
和恐音癥一樣，聲音往往是恐工癥的導火索。
The routine fire-alarm test is a case in point.
例行的火警測試就是一個很好的例子。
“Attention please, attention please,” shouts a voice that is literally impossible to ignore.
“請注意，請注意。”一個不可能不被注意的聲音喊道。
“This is a test,” it roars, making it clear that your attention is not in fact required.
“這是測試。”這個咆哮的聲音又清楚地告訴你，實際上并不需要你的注意。
More shouting and eardrum-piercing noises follow.
接著就是更多的喊叫聲和穿透耳膜的噪音。
Then, most galling of all, a message of thanks for your attention, the aural equivalent of a prison thanking you for choosing them for a stay.
然后，最讓人惱火的是，發來一條信息感謝你的關注，這簡直相當于一座聽覺監獄感謝你選擇在此暫住。
By the end of it all, a conflagration would be sweet release.
等到一切都結束時，一場大火倒會是甜蜜的解脫。
Other noises are less obviously intrusive but just as annoying.
其他噪音沒有這么明顯的侵入性，但同樣令人討厭。
The noise of clicking keys is the soundtrack of cubicles everywhere.
敲鍵盤的聲音是格子間的統一配樂。
But every office has its share of keyboard thumpers, people whose goal seems to be not producing a document but destroying the equipment before one can be created.
但每個辦公室都有砸鍵盤的人，他們的目標似乎不是創建一份文檔，而是在文檔還沒完成的時候就把設備砸爛。
Verbal tics are another tripwire for misergonia sufferers.
口頭禪是恐工癥患者的另一個雷區。
“This is a point that has already been made,” is how weirdly large numbers of people start to make a point that has already been made.
“這個觀點已經被人提過了”，多到離譜的人會說完這句話后，開始提出一個別人已經提過的觀點。
Why not just say “I don’t value your time” and have done with it?
為什么不干脆說“我不珍惜你的時間”，然后直接完事呢？
Small IT failures are a fact of office life, but they can still be soul-destroying.
各種IT小故障是辦公室生活的既有事實，但這些故障仍然能毀滅靈魂。
The printer which jams repeatedly.
總是卡紙的打印機。
The design requirement in said printer that demands every flap and tray must be opened once before things can restart.
上述打印機要求重新啟動之前，每個翻蓋和托盤必須打開一次。
The headphones that never work.
從來不管用的耳機。
Or the mouse that gives up at just the wrong moment.
或者關鍵時候掉鏈子的鼠標。
Your cursor is two centimetres from the unmute button on a Zoom call; you move your mouse towards it when it is your turn to speak, and nothing happens.
在Zoom上開會的時候，你的光標距離取消靜音按鈕只有兩厘米，輪到你發言時，你把鼠標移過去，但沒有任何反應。
You rattle it around more vigorously, and still no response.
你更用力地搖晃鼠標，還是沒有反應。
Either your cursor is in a coma or the battery has run out.
要么是光標處于昏迷狀態，要么是電池沒電了。
“You’re still on mute,” offers up a colleague helpfully.
“你還在靜音。”一位同事給出了很有幫助的提醒。
Someone else fills the gap.
其他人補位發言。
“This is a point that has already been made…,” they begin.
“這個觀點已經被人提過了......”他們開口說。
And then there is the reply-all email.
然后是回復全部的電子郵件。
It starts innocently enough, with someone asking for help with a problem.
剛開始情況單純無害，某人有一個問題，在尋求幫助。
In come one or two replies, and with a sickening lurch of the stomach you realise that the entire company has been copied in on this request.
收到一兩個回復后，你感到胃抽搐了一下，隱隱有些惡心，你意識到這個請求幫助的郵件已經抄送全公司了。
Suddenly, an avalanche.
于是突然之間，一場雪崩發生了。
It is as if nothing else matters other than weighing in on this one question.
好像除了對這個問題發表意見之外，其他什么事情都不重要了。
Deadlines are deferred.
截止日期被推遲。
Milk goes off in the fridge.
冰箱里的牛奶變質。
Visitors in reception are left to forage for food while members of staff devote themselves to the matter at hand.
前臺的訪客開始自己找吃的，而全體工作人員正全身心投入到手頭的問題上。
There are replies to replies, and replies to replies to replies.
人們對回復進行了回復，然后對回復的回復又進行了回復。
This isn’t a thread, it’s a hawser.
這不是郵件鏈，這是連環奪命索。
Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves hugely.
每個人似乎都討論得興高采烈。
But there is a silent, suffering group for whom every new message lands as a hammer blow to their composure.
但還有一群沉默而痛苦的人，每一條新消息都像鐵錘一樣敲擊著他們所保持的鎮靜。
How many minutes can one organisation fritter away on this nonsense?
一個組織可以在這些廢話上浪費多少分鐘？
Why isn’t it stopping?
怎么還不停下來？
And when the initial round of answers has died down, can you be certain that it is really over?
當第一輪回答平息下來后，你能確定討論真的結束了嗎？
It is always possible that someone who has been away from their desk will pile in and start the whole farrago up again.
總有可能，某個剛回到辦公桌的人會蓋樓發言，然后又亂成了一鍋粥。
Individual workers will have their own triggers, ostensibly tiny things to which they are extremely sensitive.
每個員工都有自己的觸發點，表面上看都是些很瑣細的事，但他們對這些事非常敏感。
It might be the person who still doesn’t understand you have to tag someone in Slack to notify them of a message.
也許是那個還搞不清楚必須在Slack上標記某人才能收到消息提醒的人。
It might be the doors closing on a crowded lift, only for an arm to snake in and a voice to ask “room for one more?”
也許是當電梯里擠滿了人，門正要關上時，結果一只胳膊伸了進來，然后一個聲音問“還能再進一個嗎？”
(If you were the size of a marmot, yes.)
(你要是只有土撥鼠那么大，那倒是可以。)
It might be a particularly heavy tread or an even heavier perfume.
也許是一種非常重的腳步聲，或者是一種味道更重的香水。
It might be the way someone insists on using the word “pivot”.
也許是某人說話非要用“軸點”這個詞。
It might be anything, frankly—which means that for some of your colleagues it might also be you.
坦率地說，什么事情都有可能，這意味著對你的一些同事來說，讓人心煩的也可能是你。
There is no cure for misergonia.
恐工癥沒有治愈良方。
The workplace is a collection of people in enforced and repeated proximity, their habits, noises and idiosyncrasies turning into something familiar for some colleagues and disproportionately grating for others.
工作場所就是一群人被強制地、反復地近距離相處，他們的習慣、噪音和癖好讓一些同事感到習以為常，卻讓另一些同事感到萬分惱火。
The only release is to go home, close the front door behind you and find your significant other tucking into an apple.
唯一的解脫就是回家，轉身關上門，然后發現你生活上的另一半正在咔嚓咔嚓地大口吃蘋果。
