Lisa

麗薩

Lisa Brennan, however, did not have a great childhood. When she was young, her father almost never came to see her. “I didn’t want to be a father, so I wasn’t,” Jobs later said, with only a touch of remorse in his voice. Yet occasionally he felt the tug. One day, when Lisa was three, Jobs was driving near the house he had bought for her and Chrisann, and he decided to stop. Lisa didn’t know who he was. He sat on the doorstep, not venturing inside, and talked to Chrisann. The scene was repeated once or twice a year. Jobs would come by unannounced, talk a little bit about Lisa’s school options or other issues, then drive off in his Mercedes.

麗薩·布倫南（LisaBrennan）的童年就沒有那么棒了。她小時候，父親幾乎從不來看她?！拔也幌Ｍ龈赣H，所以我就不做。”喬布斯后來說，語氣中只有一點點自責(zé)。然而有時候他也能感覺到這種牽掛。麗薩3歲時的一天，喬布斯開車路過他給她和克里斯安買的房子時，決定停下來看一看。麗薩還不知道他是誰。他坐在門前的臺階上跟克里斯安聊天，沒敢進(jìn)屋去。這樣的場景每年會出現(xiàn)一兩次。喬布斯會突然跑來，簡單討論一下麗薩要上的學(xué)?；蚱渌虑?，然后就開著他的奔馳車離開。

But by the time Lisa turned eight, in 1986, the visits were occurring more frequently. Jobs was no longer immersed in the grueling push to create the Macintosh or in the subsequent power struggles with Sculley. He was at NeXT, which was calmer, friendlier, and headquartered in Palo Alto, near where Chrisann and Lisa lived. In addition, by the time she was in third grade, it was clear that Lisa was a smart and artistic kid, who had already been singled out by her teachers for her writing ability. She was spunky and high-spirited and had a little of her father’s defiant attitude. She also looked a bit like him, with arched eyebrows and a faintly Middle Eastern angularity. One day, to the surprise of his colleagues, he brought her by the office. As she turned cartwheels in the corridor, she squealed, “Look at me!”

但到了麗薩8歲的時候，也就是1986年，他來得更加頻繁。他已經(jīng)從開發(fā)麥金塔的巨大壓力和后來跟斯卡利的權(quán)力之爭中解脫出來。他當(dāng)時在NeXT，環(huán)境更為平靜友善，公司總部在帕洛奧圖，離克里斯安和麗薩的住處很近。再加上，到了三四年級就可以看出，麗薩是個聰明又有藝術(shù)天賦的孩子，她的寫作能力已經(jīng)得到老師的特別關(guān)注了。她充滿勇氣，活力十足，還有一點兒她爸爸的叛逆氣質(zhì)。她看起來也有點兒像他，彎彎的眉毛，略帶中東味道的棱角。有一天，出乎同事們的意料，他把她帶到了辦公室。她在走廊里側(cè)手翻，還尖叫著，“快看我呀！”

Avie Tevanian, a lanky and gregarious engineer at NeXT who had become Jobs’s friend, remembers that every now and then, when they were going out to dinner, they would stop by Chrisann’s house to pick up Lisa. “He was very sweet to her,” Tevanian recalled. “He was a vegetarian, and so was Chrisann, but she wasn’t. He was fine with that. He suggested she order chicken, and she did.”

阿維·泰瓦尼安（AvieTevanian）是NeXT的一名工程師，瘦髙個兒，愛交際，后來成了喬布斯的朋友。他回憶說，時不時地，他們一起出去吃飯時，就會在克里斯安家停一下，接上麗薩?！八麑λ貏e和藹，”泰瓦尼安回憶說，“他是素食者，克里斯安也是，但麗薩不是。他對此也沒意見。他建議她點雞肉，她就照做?！?/span>

Eating chicken became her little indulgence as she shuttled between two parents who were vegetarians with a spiritual regard for natural foods. “We bought our groceries—our puntarella, quinoa, celeriac, carob-covered nuts—in yeasty-smelling stores where the women didn’t dye their hair,” she later wrote about her time with her mother. “But we sometimes tasted foreign treats. A few times we bought a hot, seasoned chicken from a gourmet shop with rows and rows of chickens turning on spits, and ate it in the car from the foil-lined paper bag with our fingers.” Her father, whose dietary fixations came in fanatic waves, was more fastidious about what he ate. She watched him spit out a mouthful of soup one day after learning that it contained butter. After loosening up a bit while at Apple, he was back to being a strict vegan. Even at a young age Lisa began to realize his diet obsessions reflected a life philosophy, one in which asceticism and minimalism could heighten subsequent sensations. “He believed that great harvests came from arid sources, pleasure from restraint,” she noted. “He knew the equations that most people didn’t know: Things led to their opposites.”

吃雞肉成了麗薩在父母之間穿梭時的一個小小放縱，她的父母都是素食者，而且對自然食品都有精神崇拜?！拔覀?nèi)ツ切M是酵母味的商店買菜，買菊苣、藜麥、塊根芹、外面包裹角豆粉的堅果。那些地方的女人都不染頭發(fā)的?！彼髞韺懙?，“但我們有時候會吃外國大餐。有幾次我們?nèi)ヒ粋€美食店買熱氣騰騰的烤雞，一卷一卷的雞肉在烤叉上轉(zhuǎn)著，烤雞裝在襯著錫箔的紙袋里，我們就坐在車?yán)镉檬帜弥??！彼赣H對飲食習(xí)慣有著近乎狂熱的執(zhí)著，對自己吃什么更是吹毛求疵。有天她親眼目睹了他知道湯里有黃油之后，把一大口湯吐了出來。在蘋果的一段時間，他在飲食方面的要求有所放松，后來就又成了一個嚴(yán)格的素食者。還在很小的年紀(jì)，麗薩就開始意識到他的飲食癖好反映了一種人生哲學(xué)：苦行和極簡將會讓人更加敏銳?！八嘈艆T乏即是富足，自律產(chǎn)生喜悅，”她說，“他知道一個大多數(shù)人不知道的道理：物極必反?！?/span>

In a similar way, the absence and coldness of her father made his occasional moments of warmth so much more intensely gratifying. “I didn’t live with him, but he would stop by our house some days, a deity among us for a few tingling moments or hours,” she recalled. Lisa soon became interesting enough that he would take walks with her. He would also go rollerblading with her on the quiet streets of old Palo Alto, often stopping at the houses of Joanna Hoffman and Andy Hertzfeld. The first time he brought her around to see Hoffman, he just knocked on the door and announced, “This is Lisa.” Hoffman knew right away. “It was obvious she was his daughter,” she told me. “Nobody has that jaw. It’s a signature jaw.” Hoffman, who suffered from not knowing her own divorced father until she was ten, encouraged Jobs to be a better father. He followed her advice, and later thanked her for it.

同理，父親的疏離和冷漠也使得他偶爾的慈愛愈發(fā)顯得可貴。“我不跟他一起生活，但他有時候會來我家，就像神那樣在我們中間待上一會兒或幾小時。”她回憶道。麗薩很快就變得很有趣了，他會跟她一起散步。他也會跟她一起在帕洛奧圖老城安靜的街道上滑輪滑，常常會在喬安娜·霍夫曼和安迪·赫茨菲爾德家停一下。他第一次帶她去見霍夫曼時，就直接敲開門宣布，“這是麗薩。”霍夫曼頓時明白了?！昂茱@然那是他女兒，”她告訴我，“沒人會有那樣的下巴。那是個標(biāo)志性的下巴。”霍夫曼小時候因父母離異，直到10歲才知道父親是誰，那是段痛苦的成長經(jīng)歷，因此她鼓勵喬布斯努力做一個好父親。喬布斯聽從了她的建議，后來還為此而感激她。

Once he took Lisa on a business trip to Tokyo, and they stayed at the sleek and businesslike Okura Hotel. At the elegant downstairs sushi bar, Jobs ordered large trays of unagi sushi, a dish he loved so much that he allowed the warm cooked eel to pass muster as vegetarian. The pieces were coated with fine salt or a thin sweet sauce, and Lisa remembered later how they dissolved in her mouth. So, too, did the distance between them. As she later wrote, “It was the first time I’d felt, with him, so relaxed and content, over those trays of meat; the excess, the permission and warmth after the cold salads, meant a once inaccessible space had opened. He was less rigid with himself, even human under the great ceilings with the little chairs, with the meat, and me.”

有一次他出差去東京時帶上了麗薩，他們住在時尚兼具商務(wù)風(fēng)格的大倉酒店（OkuraHotel）。一樓有間雅致的壽司餐吧，喬布斯要了大盤大盤的鰻魚壽司，他非常喜歡，甚至破了一下葷戒。壽司上包裹著精鹽或薄薄的甜醬，麗薩還記得那種入口即化的感覺。他們父女之間的距離也隨之融化了。后來她寫道：“那是第一次，我跟他在一起，面對一盤盤的肉食，感覺那么放松和滿足；冷沙拉后那種豐盛、縱容和溫曖的感受，意味著曾經(jīng)封閉的空間被打開了。他一個人時沒那么嚴(yán)肅了，在那大大的屋頂下坐在小小的椅子上，跟那些肉食，跟我在一起，從神變成了人?！?/span>

But it was not always sweetness and light. Jobs was as mercurial with Lisa as he was with almost everyone, cycling between embrace and abandonment. On one visit he would be playful; on the next he would be cold; often he was not there at all. “She was always unsure of their relationship,” according to Hertzfeld. “I went to a birthday party of hers, and Steve was supposed to come, and he was very, very, late. She got extremely anxious and disappointed. But when he finally did come, she totally lit up.”

然而，事情并非總是那么甜蜜輕松。喬布斯對麗薩跟對其他幾乎所有人一樣善變。擁抱和冷落總是在循環(huán)上演。這次他可能玩得很高興，下次他就可能很冷漠或根本不用心?！八龑λ麄兊年P(guān)系總是不敢肯定赫茨菲爾德說，“有一次我去參加她的生曰會，史蒂夫該來的，可是他來得特別特別晚。麗薩極度焦慮和失望。但是他最終出現(xiàn)時，她一下子就好起來了?！?/span>

Lisa learned to be temperamental in return. Over the years their relationship would be a roller coaster, with each of the low points elongated by their shared stubbornness. After a falling-out, they could go for months not speaking to each other. Neither one was good at reaching out, apologizing, or making the effort to heal, even when he was wrestling with repeated health problems. One day in the fall of 2010 he was wistfully going through a box of old snapshots with me, and paused over one that showed him visiting Lisa when she was young. “I probably didn’t go over there enough,” he said. Since he had not spoken to her all that year, I asked if he might want to reach out to her with a call or email. He looked at me blankly for a moment, then went back to riffling through other old photographs.

反過來，麗薩也學(xué)會了耍脾氣。這些年來，他們的關(guān)系就像是坐過山車，每次的低點都因他們共有的固執(zhí)而延長。每次鬧翻后，他們可以好幾個月不講話。兩個人都不擅長主動道歉，或是作出和好的努力——即使是他在反復(fù)跟健康問題作斗爭的時候也是如此。2010年秋季的一天，他傷感地跟我一起翻看一箱老照片，看到麗薩小時候他去看她時拍的一張照片?！耙苍S我那時去看她的次數(shù)太少了?！彼f。這一年他都還沒有跟她說過話，我問他是否想給她打個電話或發(fā)個郵件。他茫然地盯著我看了一會兒，就低下頭繼續(xù)翻別的老照片去了。