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On the lavatory wall of a colleague’s flat in Hong Kong hangs a framed letter. It is written on HSBC notepaper, and dated January 22, 1998. “Dear Sir,” it begins. “Please note that we have had occasion to return your cheque due to insufficient funds in the above account. This state of affairs is most unsatisfactory and the practice of issuing cheques without first ensuring that there are sufficient funds to meet them must cease forthwith, otherwise it will be necessary for your account in our books to be closed.”
我的一位同事喜歡在其香港的公寓的洗手間里掛上一幅裱好的信件. 這是一封用匯豐銀行(HSBC)的信紙寫的信, 日期是1998年1月22日. “尊敬的先生,” 信開頭寫道, “請注意, 由于您賬戶余額不足, 我們已經(jīng)拒絕了您的支票. 這樣的事情的確令人很不愉快, 因此請您以后在簽發(fā)支票時(shí)首先確保您的賬戶有足夠的余額, 否則應(yīng)立即停止簽發(fā). 不然您的賬戶將會(huì)被取消.”
“Yours faithfully, P. Mandal, assistant manager customer deposits, Bangalore branch.”
“您忠實(shí)的P·曼達(dá)爾，班加羅爾分行客戶存款部助理經(jīng)理.”
In displaying this letter in such a prominent place, my colleague was seeking to amuse his visitors with its Indian-English verbosity. In reprinting it here, I have a grander purpose. For all its stiff wording, it is the best letter to a customer I’ve ever seen. It sums up everything that used to be good about banking, but which has got hopelessly lost. Indeed, if all bankers still behaved like P. Mandal, there would have been no financial crisis.
我的同事把這封信掛在這么顯眼的位置, 其實(shí)是想向展示他的印度式英語的冗長來娛樂客人. 我在這里打下這封信, 其實(shí)是 “別有用心”. 盡管這封信言辭生硬, 然而卻是我所看過的最好的致客戶信. 它集所有曾經(jīng)銀行的優(yōu)點(diǎn)于一身, 而這些優(yōu)點(diǎn)如今早已消失殆盡. 其實(shí), 如果所有的銀行家仍然行如P·曼達(dá)爾, 那么以前的金融危機(jī)將沒有機(jī)會(huì)爆發(fā).
For him, banking was a solemn matter, where prudence was all- important. In his world, there was none of the dodgy stuff that all banks now routinely engage in: pretending the customer is king while fleecing them if they go into the red, and investing their money in incomprehensible and ruinous financial instruments. Instead, recalcitrant customers were given a thorough telling off – which made them behave better. My colleague tells me that he has, indeed, ceased his unsatisfactory behaviour forthwith: he has not bounced a cheque since January 1998.
對P·曼達(dá)爾來說, 銀行業(yè)是一個(gè)莊嚴(yán)的行業(yè), 而謹(jǐn)慎對這個(gè)行業(yè)至關(guān)重要. 在他的世界里, 過去從來沒有現(xiàn)在所有銀行都慣常參與的危險(xiǎn)活動(dòng): 假裝把客戶當(dāng)作上帝, 但是當(dāng)他們的投資虧空時(shí)卻狠敲他們一筆, 并且把他們的錢投資到一些復(fù)雜難懂而且相當(dāng)危險(xiǎn)的金融工具中. 相反, 他會(huì)嚴(yán)厲斥責(zé)那些違規(guī)的客戶, 讓他們更加安分. 我的那位同事告訴我, 他也確實(shí)已經(jīng)立即終止了那種不愉快的行為: 自從1998年1月, 他的支票再也沒有被拒付.
It all makes one wish P. Mandal had been transported from Bangalore to the London HQ and made chief executive instead of Sir John Bond. The Indian banker would never in a million years have agreed to the £9bn takeover of Household, the US subprime lender it bought in 2002. He would have cast one eye over the loan book with its millions of dodgy customers who could not afford their mortgages and said he wanted nothing to do with them.
這會(huì)讓我們希望P·曼達(dá)爾可以從班加羅爾調(diào)到英國倫敦總部取代龐約翰爵士擔(dān)任匯豐銀行的首席執(zhí)行官. 這位印度籍的銀行家永遠(yuǎn)也不會(huì)批準(zhǔn)2002年匯豐以90億英鎊收購美國次級抵押貸款商Household的那宗交易. 他會(huì)瞄一眼貸款賬簿, 然后拒絕與那些數(shù)百萬無力償還抵押貸款客戶的交易.
But it is not just his prudence I like. It’s his writing style, too. Though somewhat pompous, it is short and to the point. And despite its threatening message, it is immaculately polite. “This state of affairs is most unsatisfactory” is a delightful and useful phrase that deserves to be rehabilitated at once.
然而我喜歡的不僅僅是他的謹(jǐn)慎, 還有他的寫作風(fēng)格. 盡管那封信有點(diǎn)自負(fù), 可是卻很簡明扼要. 同時(shí)盡管它略帶威脅性口吻, 可是卻非常的得體. “這樣的事情的確令人很不愉快” 是一句得體而且有用的話語, 值得我們再三品味.
The same day I was inspecting the walls of my colleague’s lavatory so approvingly, I was e-mailed an exchange that had just taken place between an FT reader and Comcast. She had sent a brief message to the cable operator complaining that she couldn’t find out how to get her mobile phone bill itemised. The reply was everything the lavatory letter was not: disingenuous, unintelligent, emotionally incontinent, unhelpful and miles too long.
同一天當(dāng)我正滿懷佩服之情欣賞著同事洗手間墻上的那封信時(shí), 我收到一封郵件, 上面顯示的是一位<<金融時(shí)報(bào)>>的讀者和康卡斯特的交流信件. 這位讀者發(fā)了一封簡短的信息給有線電視運(yùn)營商, 抱怨說她不知道如何才可以收到手機(jī)話費(fèi)明細(xì)單. 而她收到的回復(fù)內(nèi)容是洗手間那封信上完全沒有的一切缺點(diǎn): 不誠實(shí), 愚蠢, 感情矯作, 不實(shí)用以及相當(dāng)冗長.
“We are very glad to have you as part of Comcast family,” it began, unpromisingly. The idea that in signing up for an account with a mobile phone operator, one is not merely agreeing to share its airwaves but to share its genetic lineage is most disturbing.
“我們很高興你加入康卡斯特這個(gè)大家庭,” 回復(fù)開頭說道, 讓人讀了希望盡失. 與一家移動(dòng)通訊運(yùn)營商簽約開戶后, 你不僅要同意分享它的無線電波, 還要分享它的基因圖譜, 這讓人想起來都感覺不舒服.
The e-mail continued “and it is our privilege to provide you an exceptional and unparalleled customer service”. This is even worse – a combination of excessive bowing and scraping with excessive boasting, without conveying any meaning at all.
那封回復(fù)郵件繼續(xù)寫道: “ 我們很榮幸可以為您提供至優(yōu)無上的服務(wù).” 這更糟糕---過度的卑躬屈膝和過度的自夸的結(jié)合, 可謂是廢話連篇, 毫無意義.
“Thank you for bringing this billing concern to our attention, Elizabeth”, it goes on. “Elizabeth”? How dare they? P. Mandal would have had a stroke at such fresh familiarity.
“謝謝您向我們提出這個(gè)問題, 引起我們的關(guān)注, 親愛的伊麗莎白!” 這封郵件繼續(xù)寫道. “伊麗莎白” ? 他們怎么敢這樣稱呼客戶? P•曼達(dá)爾要是聽了這樣 “前無古人” 的話, 不中風(fēng)倒地才怪!
“Rest assured that we will properly address the concern by making sure that the best resolution will be provided to suffice your overall satisfaction”
“請您放心, 我們會(huì)妥善處理您的問題, 保證為你提供最好的解決方案, 讓你百分之百滿意……”
I’m getting restive even typing this drivel out and so you will have to believe me that there are 500 more words of the same, including further apologies, further congratulations and wishes that Elizabeth have a nice day – without actually solving the problem in hand.
打下這封廢話連篇的郵件我都覺得很不舒服, 因此你可以有理由相信, 在那封長達(dá)500多字的郵件里, 內(nèi)容基本一樣, 包括進(jìn)一步的道歉, 祝賀以及祝愿伊麗莎白度過美好的一天---所有的這些內(nèi)容都與解決問題無關(guān).
“We appreciate that you took time out from your busy schedule to share your concerns,” it said. But if they thought her schedule was busy, why did they think she would have time to read so much guff?
“我們非常感激您在百忙之中抽空告知我們您的問題,” 郵件繼續(xù)說. 但是, 如果他們真的覺得她是這么忙, 為什么他們還覺得她會(huì)有空讀這么長的廢話呢?
Finally, the sign off: a first name and a title, Comcast customer care specialist. At last, something with meaning. The author of this reply has proved herself a specialist in “customer care” – a virtuoso at apology and making all the most fashionable noises. The only problem is that there is no need for specialists in this area. Customers don’t want “care”. They just want their bills itemised.
最后, 簽名只有名沒有姓, 另外還有一個(gè)頭銜, 康卡斯特客戶服務(wù)專員. 終于出現(xiàn)一些有點(diǎn)意義的東西. 這位郵件的回復(fù)者已經(jīng)說明她是 “客戶服務(wù)” 的專員, 一個(gè)在道歉以及制造最 “時(shí)尚” 廢話的行家. 但是問題的關(guān)鍵在于, 現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中我們并不需要這樣的 “專員”. 顧客們不需要這樣的 “關(guān)懷”. 他們只是想要話費(fèi)明細(xì)單.
