English as a Crazy Language
Let’s face it — English is a crazy language.There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;neither apple nor pine in pineapple.English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.If the plural of tooth is teeth,why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?One goose, two geese.So one moose, two meese?Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,what do you call it? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylumfor the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell?Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and wise guy are opposite?How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?English was invented by people, not computers,and it reflects the creativity of the human race.That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,but when the lights are out, they are invisible.And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.