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So, boys and girls, here's a little secret for getting more presents for Christmas than you could ever imagine. Ask for one from a politically correct shopping mall Santa and then film the response. What do you want for Christmas? Maybe, I want a nerf gun. No, no, no guns. It's just a nerf gun. No, not even a nerf gun. No, if your dad wants to get in for you, that's fine, but I can't bring it to you. What else would you want? What do you think? It's OK, buddy. It's OK if your dad -- It's OK. It's OK. So, just to be clear to the kids watching at home, that was not the real Santa. The real Santa got a cold and didn't want to spread it to the kids, so Santa trusted the shopping mall to find a reasonable substitute. The problem was it was on short notice and they ended up with this glum fellow who spreads Christmas cheer the way I spread sobriety, not well. And so, instead of Santa Claus, they got a Santa Cause. But sorry, dude. The little boy didn't ask for an AK-47, he asked for a toy nerf gun.
If you can't tell the difference, you deserved to get stuck in a chimney behind Joy Behar. Thank God he had asked for a G.I. Joe the warmonger, or a gas-guzzling Hot Wheel, or maybe an elf on a shelf. I tell you, I'm not for sale. Now, here's the good news. Millions of people have likely seen this Santa reduce the boy to tears, which means given that this is America, the greatest, most generous country on Earth, you could bet that little tyke got more nerf guns than the Portland Police Department has, who by the way are only allowed nerf guns. Heck, maybe the real Santa may pay him a visit. Well, we're so sorry to bother you. I heard about this from the North Pole. Yes. And I ... This is crazy, this thing. There you go. And as far as social justice, Santa, well that video went around the world faster than Donner or Blitzen, which means all he's getting for Christmas is coal also delivered by the real Santa. And you'll know it's him because of the huge carbon footprint.
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