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Trick or Tweet! The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now
不給糖就搗蛋！在萬圣節(jié)前夕分手的最糟的部分是，
I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.
現(xiàn)在我得在每個派對上解釋為什么我穿的像半匹馬。
Halloween is my favorite holiday, where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a nonnegotiable demand.
萬圣節(jié)是我最喜歡的節(jié)日，在節(jié)日里你可以侵入一個陌生人的房子，并提出一個沒有商量余地的要求。
ME: Wow, nice costume. COP: Step out of the car, sir.
我：裝扮不錯啊。警察：快給我下車，先生。
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist's office. "I need a tooth pulled right away," she says.
一個女人和她的丈夫去了一家牙醫(yī)診所。她說：“我需要馬上拔牙。”
"Don't bother with the Novocain; we're in a hurry." "Which tooth do you want pulled?" asks the dentist.
“別用麻醉劑了，我們很著急。”牙醫(yī)問：“你想拔哪顆牙。”
The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. "Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth."
女人把她丈夫推向牙醫(yī)。“去吧，親愛的，讓他看看你的牙。”
A patient tells a psychiatrist that he's convinced there's somebody living under his bed.
一個病人告訴精神病醫(yī)生，他確信有人生活在他的床下。
"Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you'll be cured," the psychiatrist assures him.
精神病醫(yī)生向他保證，“一周來我這里三天，每次三百刀，然后你就好了。”
The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so he says he'll think about it.
這個價格對病人來說有點貴，所以他說要考慮一下。
Six months later, the two meet on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" asks the psychiatrist.
六個月后，兩個人在街上相遇。精神病醫(yī)生問，“為什么你不來找我解決你的恐懼問題呢？”
"Because a bartender cured me for only $10.""How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
“因為一個酒保只用了10美元就把我治好了。”“怎么治的？”“他告訴我把床腿鋸掉。”
A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath.
一個騎警讓一個牧師停了車，然后就立馬聞到了他身上的酒味。
The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.
然后就看到了副駕駛位子上放著一個空酒瓶。
"Have you been drinking?" the officer asks. "Just water," says the priest.
警官問道，“你喝酒了嗎？”牧師說，“只喝了水。”
"Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
“為什么我聞到了酒味？”牧師看著瓶子喊道，“天啊！他又做了這個！”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every two to three hours,
所有的嬰兒書籍都告訴你嬰兒需要每兩到三個小時吃一次東西，
but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
但他們沒有提到的是，這種行為一直持續(xù)到孩子18歲，搬出你的房子。
NEVER SAY NEVER... unless it's part of a clever collection of quotes called Never! 750+ Things You Should Never Do.
永不說永不...除非它出自叫做“永不”的聰明的引語合集！永遠不要做的750多件事情。
Never give up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
永遠不要給一位女士讓座。我就是這樣失去我的公交司機的工作的。
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
在任何情況下，都不要把安眠藥和瀉藥放在一塊吃。
Never answer an anonymous letter.
永遠不要回復一封匿名的信。
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.
永遠不要和別人攀比，把他們拉到和你一樣的水平。這更便宜。
Never get annoyed if your neighbor plays music at 2 a.m. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoy it.
如果你的鄰居兩點時放音樂了，不要生氣。四點時給他打電話，告訴他你有多喜歡這音樂。
Never get between a female grizzly and one of her young,
永遠不要處在一個女灰熊和她孩子之間，
particularly if he's just told her that he intends to drop out of college to focus on his band.
其是當他剛剛告訴她，他打算從大學退學，專注于他的樂隊。
Never slap a man while he is chewing tobacco.
永遠不要在一個男人嚼煙時打他。
