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All I've ever wanted is for Juli Baker to leave me alone. For her to back off - you know, just give me some space.
我只有一個愿望：讓朱莉安娜·貝克別來煩我。快點(diǎn)給我走開！- 我只想讓她離我遠(yuǎn)點(diǎn)。
It all started the summer before second grade when our moving van pulled into her neighborhood. And since we're now about down with the 8th grade, that, my friend, makes more than half a decade of strategic avoidance and social discomfort.
故事從二年級暑假，從我家的卡車停在她家隔壁那一刻開始。眼下，我們都快上完八年級了，也就是說，整整五年，我不得不忍受著社交上的不便，對她實(shí)行"戰(zhàn)略性回避"。
She didn't just barge into my life. She barged and shoved and wedged her way into my life. Did we invite her to get into our moving van and start climbing all over boxes? No! But that's exactly what she did, taking over and showing off like only Juli Baker can.
她可不只是"闖入"了我的生活，她是千方百計(jì)非要在我的生活里占領(lǐng)一席之地不可。難道是我們邀請她爬進(jìn)搬家的卡車?yán)铮谙渥由吓纴砼廊サ膯幔坎艣]有！可她就是不請自來，好像這是她的家，是她朱莉安娜·貝克的特權(quán)似的。
My dad tried to stop her. "Hey!" he says as she's catapulting herself on board. "What are you doing? You're getting mud everywhere!" So true, too. Her shoes were, like, caked with the stuff.
爸爸試圖阻止她，"嘿！"她在車?yán)锾鴣硖サ臅r候，爸爸喊道，"你在干什么？你把爛泥弄得到處都是！"沒錯，她的鞋上糊滿了泥巴。
She didn't hop out, though. Instead, she planted her rear end on the floor and started pushing a big box with her feet. "Don't you want some help?" She glanced my way. "It sure looks like you need it."
可她根本沒想從車上下來。正相反，她一屁股坐在車廂里，開始用腳推起一個大箱子。"你難道不需要幫忙嗎？"她朝我這邊瞥了一眼，"我覺得你真的需要別人幫忙呢。"
"No, no, no!" my dad says, then pulls her up by the arm. "Why don't you run along home? Your mother's probably wondering where you are."
"不，不，不用！"爸爸把她抱起來，"你是不是應(yīng)該回家看看？你媽媽也許正在擔(dān)心你跑到哪兒去了。"
This was the beginning of my soon-to-become-acute awareness that the girl cannot take a hint. Of any kind. Does she zip on home like a kid should when they've been invited to leave? No.
這是我頭一次見識到這姑娘到底有多么不識趣，毫無自知之明。作為一個孩子，當(dāng)別人禮貌地請她離開的時候，難道不是應(yīng)該立刻乖乖地回家嗎？她才不會。
She says, "Oh, my mom know where I am. She said it was fine." Then she points across the street and says, "We just live right over there."
她說："哦，媽媽知道我在哪兒，她說沒關(guān)系。"然后她指著街對面說，"我家就住在那兒。"
My father looks to where she's pointing and mutters, "Oh boy." Then he looks at me and winks as he says, "Bryce, isn't it time for you to go inside and help you mother?"
爸爸看著她所指的方向，念叨著："唉，上帝啊。"然后他看著我，邊眨眼邊說，"布萊斯，你是不是該進(jìn)去跟媽媽幫把手了？"
I knew right off that this was a ditch play. I smiled and said, "Sure thing!" then jumped off the lift gate and headed for my new front door.
我馬上明白過來，這是個甩掉她的小花招。我笑了，答道："沒錯！"然后跳出車門，沖向我們的新家。
I heard her coming after me but I couldn't believe it. Maybe it just sounded like she was chasing me; maybe she was really going the other way. But before I got up the nerve to look, she blasted right past me, grabbing my arm and yanking me along.
我聽見她跟了上來，但我不敢相信。也許只是聽上去很像她追上來了，也許她只是走向另一個方向。但是，在我鼓足勇氣回頭之前，她已經(jīng)趕上來，猛地抓住我的胳膊。
This was too much. I planted myself and was about to tell her to get lost when the weirdest thing happened. I was making this big windmill motion to break away from her, but somehow on the downswing my hand wound up tangling into hers. I couldn't believe it. There I was, holding the mud monkey's hand!
這太過分了。我停下腳步，想告訴她快滾開，這時卻發(fā)生了最最詭異的事情。我掄起胳膊想擺脫她，可是手臂落下來的時候卻變成了挽著她的姿勢。我簡直不敢相信，我竟然挽了這只"泥猴"的手！
I tried to shake her off, but she just clamped on tight and yanked me along, saying, "C'mon!"
我想甩開她，但她把我的手攥得緊緊的，拉著我說："來吧！"
My mom came out of the house and immediately got the world's sappiest look on her face. "Well, hello," she says to Juli.
我媽媽從屋里走出來，立刻擺出了一副最神經(jīng)質(zhì)不過的表情，"嗨，你好！"她跟朱莉打招呼。
"Hi!"
"你好！"
I'm still trying to pull free, but the girl's got me in a death grip. My mom's grinning, looking at our hands and my fiery red face. "And what's your name, honey?"
我還在掙扎著想擺脫她，但她死死地拽著我。看到我們握在一起的手，還有我又紅又熱的臉，媽媽笑了，"你叫什么名字，親愛的？"
"Julianna Baker. I live right over there." she says, pointing with her unoccupied hand.
"朱莉安娜·貝克。我家就住在那兒。"她用那只空著的手指點(diǎn)著。
"Well, I see you've met my son." she says, still grinning away.
"哦，我想你已經(jīng)見過我兒子了。"媽媽還在笑著。
"Uh-huh!"
"對啊！"
Finally I break free and do the only manly thing available when you're 7 years old - I dive behind my mother.
我終于掙脫出來，做了一件七歲男孩唯一能做的充滿男子漢氣概的事--我躲到了媽媽身后。
Mom puts her arm around me and says, "Bryce, honey, why don't you show Julianna around the house?"
媽媽用手臂環(huán)著我，"布萊斯，親愛的，你是不是應(yīng)該請朱莉安娜參觀一下我們的新家？"
I didn't exactly give her a tour. I locked myself in the bathroom instead. And after about 10 minutes of yelling back at her that no, I wasn't coming out anytime soon, things got quiet out in the hall. Another 10 minutes went by before I got the nerve to peek out the door.
我沒有認(rèn)真地帶她參觀，而是把自己反鎖在廁所里。我沖她叫喊了將近十分鐘的"不，我決不出來"之后，客廳里終于安靜下來。又過了十分鐘，我鼓足勇氣從門縫里往外看去。
No Juli.
沒看到朱莉。
I snuck out and looked around, and yes! She was gone.
我躡手躡腳地走出來，看了一圈，沒錯，她走了！
Not a very sophisticated ditch, but hey, I was only 7.
這一手不算太高明，但我畢竟才七歲嘛。
My troubles were far from over, though. Every day she came back, over and over again. "Can Bryce play?" I could hear her asking from my hiding place behind the couch. "Is he ready yet?" One time she even cut across the yard and looked through my window.
不過，我的麻煩還遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)沒有結(jié)束。她一次又一次地來找我，每天都來。"布萊斯能出來玩嗎？"我藏在沙發(fā)背后，聽見她這樣問道。"他準(zhǔn)備好了嗎？"有一次她甚至穿過院子從窗戶往里看。
I spotted her in the nick of time and dove under my bed, but man, that right there tells you something about Juli Baker. She's got no concept of personal space. No respect for privacy. The world is her playground, and watch out below - Juli's on the slide!
我恰好觀察到她的動向，馬上潛伏到床底下。不過朋友，我得告訴你一些關(guān)于朱莉安娜·貝克的事。她完全不知道"私人空間"為何物，不尊重別人的隱私。全世界都是朱莉的地盤，當(dāng)心--她只會越來越過分！
Lucky for me, my dad was willing to run block. And he did it over and over again. he told her I was busy or sleeping or just plain gone. He was a lifesaver.
幸運(yùn)的是，我爸爸希望保護(hù)我。他徒勞地試了一次又一次，他告訴朱莉說我很忙，說我在睡覺，或者說我不在家。他真是我的大救星。
My sister, on the other hand, tried to sabotage me any chance she got. Lynetta's like that. She's four years older than me, and buddy, I've learned from watching her how not to run your life. She's got ANTAGONIZE written all over her.
作為對立面，我的姐姐卻逮住一切機(jī)會陷害我。利奈特就喜歡這樣。她比我大四歲，從她身上我學(xué)會了-做人千萬別像她那樣。她是個渾身上下寫滿了"抗議"兩個字的家伙。
Just look at her - not cross-eyed or with your tongue sticking out or anything - just look at her and you've started an argument.
只要誰看了她一眼--不用斜著眼睛，或是吐著舌頭看--僅僅是看她一眼，就能讓她跟你吵起來。
I used to knock-down-drag-out with her, but it's just not worth it. Girls don't fight fair. They pull your hair and gouge you and pinch you; then they run off gasping to mommy when you try and defend yourself with a fist.
跟她在一起，我一向采取消極抵抗的態(tài)度，但是這也沒有用。女孩子從來不搞公平競爭。她們拽你的頭發(fā)、摳你、掐你，明明是你挨了打，她們卻率先跑到媽媽面前告狀。
Then you get locked into time-out, and for what? No, my friend, the secret is, don't snap at the bait. Let it dangle. Swim around it. Laugh it off. After a while they'll give up and try to lure someone else.
然后你被關(guān)了禁閉，憑什么？不，我的朋友，訣竅在于千萬不能上當(dāng)，不要跟她們正面交鋒。你得不慌不忙地四處迂回，對她們的挑釁一笑置之。過不了多久她們就會放棄了，把注意力轉(zhuǎn)移到別人身上。
My mom didn't understand why it was to awful that "that cute little girl" had held my hand. She thought I should make friends with her. "I thought you liked soccer, honey. Why don't you go out there and kick the ball around?"
媽媽完全不理解為什么被"那個可愛的小姑娘"拉了手，是件糟透了的事。她認(rèn)為我應(yīng)該跟朱莉交朋友。"我一直以為你也喜歡足球呢，親愛的。你怎么不出去在附近踢一會兒呢？"
Because I din't want to be kicked around, that's why. And although I couldn't say it like that at the time, I still had enough sense at age 7 and a half to know that Juli Baker was dangerous.
因?yàn)槲铱刹幌氡蝗水?dāng)球踢。在七歲半這個年紀(jì)，我也許嘴上說不出來，卻已經(jīng)本能地意識到，朱莉·貝克是個危險(xiǎn)的家伙。
Unavoidably dangerous, as it turns out. The minute I walked into Mrs. Yelson's second grade classroom, I was dead meat. "Bryce!" Juli squeals. "You're here." Then she charges across the room and tackles me.
事實(shí)證明，她是個無法躲避的危險(xiǎn)。當(dāng)我走進(jìn)葉爾遜夫人的二年級教室，我就開始任人宰割了。"布萊斯！"朱莉尖叫著，"你也在這兒。"接著，她沖過整間教室按住了我。
Mrs. Yelson tried to explain this attack away as a "welcome hug", but man, that was no hug. That was a front-line, take-'em-down tackle. And even though I shook her off, it was too late. I was branded for life.
葉爾遜夫人想把這次襲擊解釋成"用擁抱歡迎你"，可是，那根本不是什么擁抱，明明是個真刀真槍、硬碰硬的搶斷動作。雖然我把她掙開，但已經(jīng)晚了，我就此打上了一生的烙印。
Everyone jeered, "Where's your girlfriend, Bryce?" "Are you married yet, Bryce?" And then when she chased me around at recess and tried to lay kisses on me, the whole school started singing, "Bryce and Juli sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…"
人人都嘲笑我，"布萊斯，你的女朋友呢？""婚結(jié)了嗎，布萊斯？"課間休息，當(dāng)她追著我、試圖親吻我的時候，全校學(xué)生都唱起了拉拉歌，"布萊斯和朱莉坐在樹梢上，K-I-S-S-I-N-G……（kissing,接吻）"
My first year in town was a disaster.
剛搬過來的第一年，簡直不堪回首。
Third grade wasn't much better. She was still hot on my trail every time I turned around. Same with fourth.
三年級也好不到哪兒去，她堅(jiān)持到處堵著我。四年級也是一樣。
But then in fifth grade I took action.
到了五年級，我終于決定反擊。
