Now I know this might sound odd

but it's really a genetic flaw that makes us go into show business

I mean, what normal people want to stand on the stage, have vegetables thrown on them

They don't

I read somewhere that most people's greatest fear is having to speak in public

They frighten to death of it

We are fortunate to live in an age when it obviously paid huge dividends

If this was ancient Rome

and Caesar said why are all those soldiers laughing

Well, that guy is entertaining them

Really? Kill him

Number 12, you can never make it too late, you can only make it too soon

You know, show business is like golf. If you play it right you can do it to your 80s

When you start out in show business, I know

hours are days, days are weeks, weeks are years

I thought I was the oldest guy

I thought I was the last guy ever do this night show

I was only 27 years old

But then we get to the age the whole things turn us around

and years are weeks, and weeks are days, and days are hours

So it kind of changed

Number 13

If you can't get in front door, go through back door

You know, for years, I couldn't get to Tonight Show

I auditioned, I auditioned, I just couldn't get it

You know why? I wasn't good enough

Nothing personal, I wasn't good enough

So I did every second-rate cable bad talk show I could get my hands on

until I was good enough

Don't pout and be a hole like I was when I couldn't pass a drama audition

Keep trying

Number 14, you can only live in the time you live in

I had a young comedian come up one time and he said

you guys all came up during the golden age of comedy when it was easier

So what are you advocating? Time travel? Shut up your mouth