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-Are there any particular problems that that men encounter? I’m wondering whether men are more reticent to talk about their feelings. Or is this not true?
9. I get an awful lot of men here who tell me they can’t talk about their feelings, and then they’ve, I’ve never met such eloquent people who get in touch with their feelings so quickly. So they believe they can’t talk about their feelings, and they’re frightened to talk about their feelings, and I think a lot of stuff goes on in men’s heads and they often don’t or can’t connect it with their hearts, and hopefully we can help them connect those two parts of their body. Women, too, have problems that are specific to them that men might find difficult to understand. Yeah, it’s the good old thing, “he doesn’t understand me” or “she doesn’t understand me,” and I know how they feel.
10. –Do you normally see couples together, or do you prefer to see them on their own?
-The very big difference in our training to any other type of counseling is we are couple-orientated. If you like, I like to think of us as counseling the relationship, and not the individuals, because I’ve got my problems, you’ve got yours, but mix those together, and it has its own problems. So it’s what’s going on between us that is the issue. And the minute you get the two people in the room you’ve saved like a year’s worth of individual counseling ‘cause you’ve got that dynamic going on right in front of your very eyes. So I always, always, always try and engage the couple if I possibly can. Do you see your job as always trying to keep a marriage together?
11. -I don’t have my own agenda, so I’m here to enable people to get what they want. Because if it, I think it’s a jolly good idea if they stay together, they might not. So what’s the point? But, I very much believe the very best place to bring up children is a couple relationship, I think, from experience, the child benefits the most from seeing the model of a two parent-family. But, it’s often better if a child is brought up by one parent if that parent is dramatically happier.
-So would you ever encourage a couple to separate if you thought it was best for the couple?
-Again, what I think is best really doesn’t come into it. But, if I feel a woman is in a violent relationship and that is having no benefit to her or the children, I would try and present to her a mirror so she can see what she is doing to herself and her family. So, I will try to reflect back to her, her choices. Now, of course, you’re not supposed to take sides either for the man or for the woman in a relationship.
-But do you sometimes find it difficult?
12. -Yes. Not often. Sometimes, it sort of flashes through your head “what the hell is he doing with her?” or “What the hell is she doing with him?” And then again I have to look at myself and see what that person is bringing up in me, why do I feel like that? Because, I’m very much in the middle. So if I’m aligning myself with one party, I’m not going to be helpful to them solving their problems. You must come across some fairly disturbing situation in a relationship. If, for example, you found something going on in a marriage, if a husband was beating his wife, would you ever consult the police or go to someone else? I would never involve the police or an outside agency without discussing it with my client. I would always try and persuade them to be the one to take that step and in fact, that has always been the case. They’ve, by disclosing to a counselor, they’ve usually wanted help. And I have never personally been in a situation where I had to do something without the permission of my client.
-Finally, we’ve talked about 34% of first time marriages breaking up, 50% of second marriages breaking up. Are you still hopeful about the state of marriage in Britain in the future?
-Well, the other side of that is 66% actually survive and half of every second marriage will survive. So hope springs eternal. I do believe in the state of relationships, and if we weren’t so keep on them, we wouldn’t keep doing it.
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